May 012009

durrr.001Microsoft revealed the 3rd ad in its “Bargain Hunter” series and in the great tradition of awesome cinematic 3rd installments, this commercial delivers.
Meet Sheila.  Sheila is an artist, a filmmaker.  She needs to find a performance machine;  “…something that’s going to be able to cut video” (notice the ‘term of art’ usage).  She has $2,000 or less to accomplish this.  She chooses…some shitty HP.
Now granted, her reasoning for not choosing the sub-$2,000 Apple offering is sound: it’s limited by a paltry 2 GB of stock RAM and…well, that’s it.

I’ve refrained from commenting on Microsoft’s recent campaign not only because I’m lazy, but also because Redmond’s been doing a pretty good job making themselves look like assholes.  After seeing the 3rd installment of Bargain Hunters, and having cringed through the Mohave and the Seinfeld Experiments, I can offer but one theory to explain Microsoft’s approach to advertising:

Microsoft thinks consumers are fucking retarded.

Let’s take a look at all three of these clever sleight-of-hand campaigns and see if we can extract the take-away for the consumer:

The Mojave Experiment
Premise: consumers are brought in to test Microsoft’s “new” operating system and, after being cattle-penned through specific tasks, are informed that this super-spiffy, next gen OS is actually Vista.

Message: you mindless fucks are so blinded by Vista’s negative publicity, you don’t even know what you’re bashing!  See how awesome this is?  No, we won’t let you install software.  No, we won’t let you experience the upgrade from XP.  It puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again!

The Seinfeld Commercials about Nothing
Premise: Bill the lovable nerd and Jerry the adorable pedophile comedian are taken in by the average American family (presumably so they can come to understand what keeps average people from killing themselves).  Hijinks ensue, four minutes pass and Bill and Jerry walk off into the sunset, musing about the future of computing.

The Bargain Hunters:
Premise: PCs are cheaper than Macs for at least three cherry-picked categories of computer.
Message: Apple doesn’t make a 17” laptop under $1,000, a computer with a Blu- Ray drive or sub-$2,000 computer with more than 2 GB of RAM stock. And because you’re only buying based on price, and being cool/having a functional OS means nothing to you, your next choice of computer is obvious.

Congratulations, Microsoft.  You’ve shown the average consumer that if they’re not quite smart enough to appreciate the OS they inherited with their cheap laptop, are easily distracted/mildly entertained by last decade’s comedic stylings or are not familiar at all with Apple’s offerings, they should own a PC.

The board really should consider taking your advertising budget and giving it back to the shareholders.

  7 Responses to “Microsoft to Consumers: You’re Retarded”

  1. Mac owner’s are fucking retarded. They think MP3’s are normal files and that Audio won’t damage your hearing if it’s a legitimate sound system. Not only that but for $2000 I can get a PC to outperform any mac on the market. Fuck you buddy you’re a goddamn imbecile consumer just like all the other wannabe “tech savvy” retards in the world.

  2. Fun fact: 98% of Mac owners know how to use apostrophes. As for your audiophilic pronouncements, I have to confess, I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. For $2000, I can get a screaming Mac and not have to worry about viruses (fantasize about it all you want – they don’t exist for Apple users), Blue Screens or any of the other bullshit you PC owners have to scratch your head over constantly. We’re living in a world where your horseshit PC frankenshitboxes are all but obsolete. Divert your protests into the ball gag that Apple has shoved into your mouth while it has its way with backside, you fucking troll.

  3. “Fun fact: 98% of Mac owners know how to use apostrophes”
    You cannot just make up statistics and expect people to take you seriously. You can’t wave your grammar nazi pussy lobes in my face and expect me to back down. Knowing how to use apostrophes does not mean you know anything about computers. Your argument is irrelephant.

    I’ve had mac user’s tell me that there is no difference in music file formats.
    Mp3 cuts out 70% of the original file to convert it to lossy format. This means that out of 1000 kilobits per second being played at a time only 300 are retained so you’re left with 30% of the original file (so that your userfriendly sissy ass can store more files in your tiny little baby hard drive). There is a difference. 700kb/sec difference. You hear compression. Idiot also thinks you cannot damage your hearing with legitimate sound systems. Mac’s/Itunes uses MP3. Audio engineers hate that. At least windows media player doesn’t do that shit.

    I don’t have to worry about viruses because I’m not a fucking idiot that can’t handle proper maintenance of a computer. I’m not a fucking idiot that goes on harmful and retarded websites that fuck up my computer. I don’t need a safe computer that no one writes viruses for. I don’t need to live in a padded cell to survive, basically. You might, you squishy little human.

    I don’t get blue screens because I take care of my shit. If Mac users ever encountered such a thing they’d go crazy and take it to an applestore and get ripped off for repairs. All that you have said is retarded. Enjoy your boring overpriced status symbol you fucking sissy. A “Screaming” mac. You really have no idea what you’re even talking about. If you’re going to be a fanboy for something, at least don’t let it be dumb. :(

    Oh yeah, and maybe I couldn’t afford your fucking sissy nobleman’s education, let alone a goddamn shitty mac. You goddamn fucking peasant shit for brains. What are you ever going to use a mac for anyways? Don’t tell me “media editing” or I’ll laugh. Your product is made for dumb people who don’t know how to use the technology they spent a fuckload of money for. Mac’s can get viruses by the way. It’s called being a college hipster faggot.

  4. HURR DURR 90 percent of macusers can apostrophie grammar cock suck.

  5. I forget I’m probably typing at three times the speed as you do and usually don’t give two fucks about proper grammar.

  6. Read this website to understand pls

  7. Learn to speak and write in the language written or face scrutiny. No one cares how fast you type; if you can’t be bothered to proofread, you’re going to sound like an idiot. The lack of substance in your comments is bad enough and you want me to drag my eyeballs across the broken glass of your sputtering? Get fucked.

    I’ve heard Windows idiots spew nonsense about audio formats as well – what the fuck does that have to do with anything? Are you really going to use the “I talked to 3 Mac users, therefore I understand the views of the whole Apple-using population” horseshit logic? What color is the fucking sky in your world? Can you see it from under the hockey helmet your caregivers make you wear?

    I don’t have to worry about “proper maintenance of a computer”. I don’t derive my livelihood from building, fixing, or un-fucking them, so why the hell would I bother? I don’t have to worry about anything besides what I use a computer for. Sorry to break it to you, but the only thing 99% of the people who use computers want is for them to work. You think having some kind of comp-sci level knowledge about the contents of the Windows Registry means shit to the professional population? This is why Apple has been beating PC growth for the last infinity quarters and OEMs are shitting themselves while they post quarter after quarter of red fucking ink.

    “My product” is made for people who think it’s more important that a computer do the shit they need done without having to understand the byzantine minutia of its operation in order to do it. If you were bright enough to read the masthead, you can see that my views will never align with yours. My house, my opinion. Get your own fucking blog. Good luck with apostrophes, basic spelling, diction and your bright future as an IT admin.

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