May 112011

One of the most promising technologies introduced by Google during their I|O keynote was the Android Open Accessory Development Kit, a Arduino-powered chipset that would allow developers to create accessories for Android devices. TMA personally feels that the I|O example of an exercise bike used to control a video game is a little tame, especially when there’s so much personal information to be extracted on the backs of empty promises! Take a look at some of the more ambitious projects rumored to be underway:

Unleash the hidden power of cool shapes! With Google’s Stellated Icosahedron, you’ll be able to access the resources of the entire Internet packed into a glowing multi-faceted solid that would make Buckminster Fuller himself nut in his jeans! Possible features* may or may not include: access to all movie, TV and written properties since the dawn of time FOR FREE…err…under strict licensing terms we’ll make easy to circumvent. Up your geek cred to 11!!!111!!

*pending future successful negotiation of rights to all properties; like all Google properties, this project is subject to probable capricious and instantaneous cancellation.

Now you can wear a physical analogue to Google’s inappropriate yet invisible level of personal invasiveness! It’s Google’s Creepy Sweater! Tiny nanites mimic the feel of real wool as they extract genetic samples that allow advertisers to get a super-personalized snapshot of your DNA! Patented NeckBeard technology will have you clawing at the collar in just a few short minutes. You’ll swear to Christ Eric Schmidt was personally undressing you with his eyes! One size fits all.

Research tells us that the soaring incidents of prostate cancer in men are due in part to the embarrassment of regular rectal exams. With the Google Analytics Suppository, you can rest assured that the result of your “Moon River” exam will remain under the strictest confidence of a few thousand Google engineers – err – anonymously compiled for the betterment of mankind! As a bonus, Google’s PapTech allows the data-crunching superpower in Mountain View to recommend changes to your diet based on the composition of your stool! Paptastic!

 Posted by at 10:02 pm

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