Feb 282012
 

Looking back through the roster of shitheadedness that is Douchebag’s Row, I’ve noticed a trend that may explain my particular level of contempt for its inductees: all of these guys are old enough to know better. By my logic, once you’ve been banging a keyboard on the tech scene for awhile, ignorance is tantamount to trolling. The latest bust to be carved is that of Jesus Diaz, Senior Contributing Editor for Gizmodo and a person who proves that experience does not necessarily require advanced age when it comes to being an asshole.

Diaz represents the next generation of blogger, one who has consistently shown that he’s learned much from his elder hit-whores. In addition to a less-than-perfect grasp of English diction and grammar, Diaz’s prose is possessed by the slap-worthy self-righteousness common to countries that lie between the Prime Meridian and the former USSR. His ubiquitous presence in the comment sections of not only the articles he writes, but on most of the articles on the site, throws the window into his douchebaggery wide open. So much so that the site actually banned him from commenting temporarily because of how abusive he was (“no link for hit whores” policy suspension due to sheer hilarity of the incident).

No DBR induction ceremony would be complete without a sampling of Diaz’s stylings, so here are some of my favorites:

About the decline in Steve Jobs’ health being the reason for his cancellation of a Macworld appearance in early 2009:

“According to a previously reliable source, Apple misrepresented the reasons behind Macworld and Jobs’ keynote cancellation. Allegedly, the real cause is his rapidly declining health. In fact, it may be even worse than we imagined”

The source, of course, was anonymous, but it didn’t keep them from dolling up the entry with some classy artwork to go with their unsubstantiated story:

Dicks...again

About the tight security surrounding Apple’s products, likening their tactics to those of the Nazi Gestapo (an excellent critique – and use of TMA’s douchebag trademark – from DED here).

“No, Tom (the story’s source) never lived in Nazi Germany, nor in East Germany, nor in the Soviet Union, nor in Communist China. He lives in the United States. For sure, he has never been scared of losing his life nor the ones he loves, like thousands of millions in those countries. But he knows how it feels to be watched, to always be considered guilty of crimes against another kind of state. He knew how it felt to have no privacy whatsoever when he was working right here, in a little Californian town called Cupertino, in a legendary place located in One Infinite Loop.

Tom knew about all that pretty well, back when he was working at Apple Inc.”

Lesson for junior link-baiters: few things bring in the link love better than comparing something trivial to the greatest atrocity of the 20th century.

His objective review of iPad app ecosystem:

“The iPad app store is now showing more than 100,000 apps available. That roughly means about one hundred apps that are actually awesome. Which, mind you, it’s about 97 more than everyone else. I don’t give a damn about the rest.”

To give you a sense of the kind of respect that Diaz’s posts elicit, the post was promptly followed by a flood comments listing awesome apps. Even now, Apple’s lame app store continues to hinder the iPad, evidenced by the fact that the company can’t seem to make enough of them.

His scintillating review of Apple’s latest OS, Lion:

“It breaks my heart to say this, but Mac OSX Lion’s interface feels like a failure.”

Another critical mistake on Apple’s part that has crippled Mac sales – oh wait – I mean the mistake that’s encouraging Macs to sell like crazy in a PC market that’s turned to shit. Almost had me there, Diaz.

His continued work reviewing the developer preview of Mountain Lion, an OS that won’t ship until this summer. That didn’t prevent him from giving it 3 stars, or for continuing his whiney detractions summarized thusly:

“It’s the antithesis of Jon Ive’s minimalistic design, all essence devoid of artifice.”

Maybe you meant “substance” instead of “artifice”? Or maybe your incorrect sentence structure mangled your point and you meant Ive’s design was “essence devoid of artifice”? Maybe I fell asleep 3 times trying to decipher the shitty writing that is your trademark.

And his latest contribution, a questioning of Apple’s tactics in acquiring the trademark for the iPad from a bankrupt troll:

“Proview—the former owners of the iPad trademark in China—is suing Apple in California for “fraud by intentional misrepresentation, fraud by concealment, fraudulent inducement, and unfair competition.” Are they right? This is how Apple tricked them. You be the judge”

If you were at all concerned that based on “You be the judge” that the evidence presented would be balanced, you need only look to the piece’s graphic – and the fact that the words were written by Jesus Diaz – that the facts would be somewhat tainted with an already-drawn conclusion.

Diaz does away with any illusion of objectivity in his summary: “Oh Steve, you dirty rotten scoundrel. How much I miss your ways (seriously). Between this and Mountain Lion’s Don Corleone approach to App Store features, you keep stealing my heart even after you are gone.” The practice of having a third party secure trademarks to prevent no-worth companies like Proview from milking the value of words is common, but don’t let a well-known business tactic jam the gears of your hate machine. That last sentence had a chance at some resonance if people didn’t already know you sold your heart for pageviews, just another Gawker whore holding onto his post at Gizmodo in the face of withering unpopularity (check the number of banned comments accompanying anything he writes) long after his co-contributors realized that there was life after penning lopsided anti-Apple screed.

So after what seemed like an eternity watching Jesus Diaz peg Apple for hits, TMA welcomes him into the hallowed halls of Douchebag’s Row, where Luddites and petulant children are embraced with equal warmth. Perhaps some day, during one of his SEO tantrums, Diaz will hold his breath long enough that we’ll all be free from his mangled, amateur, straw-man prose.

  11 Responses to “Douchebag’s Row Welcomes Jesus Diaz”

  1. Long over due.

  2. That guy is horrible. He single handedly forced me to ban myself from Gizmodo (which I used to like) until he is terminated or dies, at which point I wil eagerly return. If I return due to the latter option, I will do so knowing that the world is a better place.

  3. My hat goes off to you, sir.

  4. So glad you posted this. I am so sick of the sensationalist headlines this ass hole posts I completely stopped clicking any article written by him. If you notice any one of his articles have people pointing out the wrongs in his articles.

    His latest article posted today is “This Swordfish Pierced the Skin of a Deep Sea Submarine” The swordfish did NOT pierce the submarine, it only got stuck in the outer shell of the sub. If it actually pierced the sub the pressure of the water would have eventually killed everyone inside.

    He just posts link bait for everyone and hopes you will bite. Also he had to delete his Facebook page because he was getting so much hate on it.

    By the way, I found this page from Googling Jesus Diaz is an ass hole :)

  5. That’s really the only entertaining thing about a Diaz article: how hard he gets his balls busted in comments. The ones that don’t get banned, anyway. He is reason number one that Gizmodo is fading in relevance compared to the likes of sites like The Verge.

    And it’s good to see Google does its job sometimes. :)

  6. So I found this page dedicated to the douchary of Jesus Diaz

    http://www.facebook.com/jesusdiazisanasshole

  7. I found this page by typing ‘How does Jesus Diaz have a job?’ into google.

    Every time I read an article, I then start reading comments, and I see the same thing. The readers commenting, are pointing out the errors in every story, whether it be poor grammar, or ‘facts’ which aren’t really facts. THEN, this ‘editor’ bans or removes the commenter! I bet he is a guy suffering from the tough guy syndrome in real life. Just a hot head who cannot take criticism in anyway. I rarely go back to the sight now. Such a shame.

  8. It’s heartening to see that anyone looking to see how bad Diaz is can find my answer by asking Google. I still hold the fact that my DBR induction of Hamilton Nolan is on the first page of anyone Googling his name as one of my greatest accomplishments as a blogger.

  9. That pic of him on the Douche box is priceless; it looks like he is trying to pass a box of sandpaper during a bowel movement. Also, he gives even douche a bad name.

  10. Ill just say this. A guy I knew actually killed himself after this ass attacked what he did. I mean, he had a lot of problems, but that ass attacking him was the last straw. Pretty amazing that someone like that walks the earth, and doesnt even recognizes the pain he cause. I mean, its a gadget blog. Why is it killing people?

  11. JD’s douchebaggery knew no bounds. I was so fed up reading his poorly constructed articles and follow up troll-moderating that I stopped reading Gizmodo. I was a huge fan of Gizmodo too. It was tiring watching him get away with belittling anyone with a difference of opinion and deleting comments that proved him wrong. The last straw was watching him tear into someone who had a valid counter point. This commenter wasn’t obnoxious about it either. I called JD out on it and requested to be banned. I hope more people would do that so the editor can see that JD is personally driving traffic to the competition.

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