Mar 062012

In anticipation of Apple announcing the third version of its iPad this week, everyone bucking for a pageview is speculating – or regurgitating someone else’s speculation – about the device. The latest is that the device will be called the iPad HD. The source is a big one: ZDNet, so it has an air of credibility to it. At the risk of eating a giant turd, I’m calling bullshit.

First there’s the source. For those of you with short memories, ZDNet is a member of the Apple reporting axis of evil that has been shitting on Apple since 1991. If ZD wasn’t forced to kiss the ring like the rest of the tech press, I have no doubt I’d be reading about the 10th anniversary of Apple’s bankruptcy banged out on the World Domination Edition of Windows XP 15. And if I were Apple (muhhaha), I’d take particular joy in leaking something credible-sounding to ZD for the express purpose of not doing it.

Which leads me to my second point: the HD suffix is stupid. Windshield wipers these days come with HD branding. It’s one notch above “Extreme” on the scale of retarded marketing buzzwords. Apple doesn’t co-opt other peoples’ douchy branding apparatuses; it makes other peoples’ douchy branding apparatuses. And what are you going to call the next one? The HD 2? You may as well have Motorola name your fucking product. But leaking HD makes the perfect plant for stooges like ZDNet. “Extreme” may have drawn a buck-toothed “Hey wait a minute” from a suspicious editor, but HD plays into most peoples’ stupid mainstream notions for naming products, so it’s almost perfect.

Which can only mean that I’ll be taking this all back via Twitter about 20 minutes into the keynote.

Update: From what I can piece together, the “exclusive” actually comes from CNET, not ZDNet. So substitute “Don Reisinger” for “Mary Jo Foley” and you basically have the same site.

Update 2: Amazing what 6 oz. of common sense can accomplish. iPad HD my ass. Nice scoop, guys! I do find naming the device “The New iPad” is a bit strange, though. Probably because Tim Cook is a religious reader of TMA and made a last-minute decision to pull “HD” from the name based on my post. That’s probably what happened.

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