I’ve taken a stab at analysis, and I’ve even given some advice to would-be analysts on how to pry money from the coffers of companies that don’t know much about the tech market with analysis that is the statistical equivalent of throwing a dart. I now present my latest foolproof scheme for making money off of everyone’s favorite Cupertino company: Apple Troll Bingo!
It’s easy – just toss a penny (the approximate value of 1,000 pageviews) onto the board and write something that tracks the evergreen Apple trolling theme it lands on. Make sure to quote specious and/or anonymous sources where possible (it worked for the New York Times!), use statistically insignificant – or better yet – anecdotal evidence and claim to be someone who has loved Apple forever. No matter how many times you jump the shark, you’re bound to score a buttload of eyeballs just like Dan Lyons or Gizmodo. Information is no longer the currency of the internet culture; its heresy and link-baiting! The more provocative, obtuse or straight-up wrong you are, the more people will flock to decry you. You may even get bonus clicks with a follow-up retraction of your argument for why Apple should do something that Apple would never do because it’s stupid.
It’s like printing money. Happy New Year and you’re welcome!