Jan 112013

I’ve taken a stab at analysis, and I’ve even given some advice to would-be analysts on how to pry money from the coffers of companies that don’t know much about the tech market with analysis that is the statistical equivalent of throwing a dart. I now present my latest foolproof  scheme for making money off of everyone’s favorite Cupertino company: Apple Troll Bingo!


It’s easy – just toss a penny (the approximate value of 1,000 pageviews) onto the board and write something that tracks the evergreen Apple trolling theme it lands on. Make sure to quote specious and/or anonymous sources where possible (it worked for the New York Times!), use statistically insignificant – or better yet – anecdotal evidence and claim to be someone who has loved Apple forever. No matter how many times you jump the shark, you’re bound to score a buttload of eyeballs just like Dan Lyons or Gizmodo. Information is no longer the currency of the internet culture; its heresy and link-baiting!  The more provocative, obtuse or straight-up wrong you are, the more people will flock to decry you. You may even get bonus clicks with a follow-up retraction of your argument for why Apple should do something that Apple would never do because it’s stupid.

It’s like printing money. Happy New Year and you’re welcome!

 Posted by at 12:19 am

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