So I woke up this morning to some disturbing headlines about Apple being rumored to buy Beats Electronics for $3.2 billion. I’ve been wrong about Apple’s moves before, and the 70+ news outlets that don’t seem to mind fluffing this flaccid cock of a rumor don’t make me feel any better about saying this, but the proposition is fucking absurd.
Beats hardware is shit. I’m no audiophile dickhead, but even I can tell that when you strap one of this ludicrously-colored, overpriced shitboxes to your head, the only thing you’re doing is turning the bass up to 12. They make Handel sound like dubstep. If you’re considering buying some of their cans from the Apple Store (for whatever reason they can’t seem to get enough of them there), do yourself a favor and hire someone to kick you in the face when you listen to music instead. You’ll achieve the same effect and you deserve to be kicked in the face repeatedly for thinking about buying anything with a Beats label.
Beats as a brand is shit, although mysteriously few people have told them yet. Want to know who played up a Beats Audio presence in their kit? Companies like HTC and HP. Guess how much those pronouncements helped their hardware sales? Ever hear of the HTC Incredible and HP ENVY Rove²º Mobile All-in-One Desktop? Exactly.
The idea that Apple is acquiring Beats for their streaming audio service is shit. There’s approximately 1.5 metric shittons of streaming audio services that Apple could acquire if for some reason it wanted to be Spotify. iTunes Radio is a slightly-shittier Spotify now. How does Beats get them any closer?
The notion that Beats subscribers mean anything to Apple is shit. Apple already has close to a billion iTunes users. I’m going to go out on a limb and say they’re probably more well-heeled than Beats Audio service users. Apple doesn’t need the people rocking HTC Incredibles as customers.
And the candy coating on the creamy turd filling is that Apple would buy Beats for $3.2 billion. Google makes these kind of purchases – and people laugh at them. Facebook makes those kind of purchases – and everyone cites their value in the distant future. Apple doesn’t purchase companies for $3.2 billion – period. And buying Beats for that? Let me just say that whoever affiliated with Beats that got this bacon strip of stupidity to go viral is either a genius or was dealing with an idiot.
In a nutshell, this rumor stinks like the iPad HD rumors. It makes zero sense. I only wish there were more dissenting opinions on the matter from analysts I respect…