Search Results : douchebag rowTheMacAdvocate

Feb 282012
 

Looking back through the roster of shitheadedness that is Douchebag’s Row, I’ve noticed a trend that may explain my particular level of contempt for its inductees: all of these guys are old enough to know better. By my logic, once you’ve been banging a keyboard on the tech scene for awhile, ignorance is tantamount to trolling. The latest bust to be carved is that of Jesus Diaz, Senior Contributing Editor for Gizmodo and a person who proves that experience does not necessarily require advanced age when it comes to being an asshole.

Diaz represents the next generation of blogger, one who has consistently shown that he’s learned much from his elder hit-whores. In addition to a less-than-perfect grasp of English diction and grammar, Diaz’s prose is possessed by the slap-worthy self-righteousness common to countries that lie between the Prime Meridian and the former USSR. His ubiquitous presence in the comment sections of not only the articles he writes, but on most of the articles on the site, throws the window into his douchebaggery wide open. So much so that the site actually banned him from commenting temporarily because of how abusive he was (“no link for hit whores” policy suspension due to sheer hilarity of the incident).

No DBR induction ceremony would be complete without a sampling of Diaz’s stylings, so here are some of my favorites:

About the decline in Steve Jobs’ health being the reason for his cancellation of a Macworld appearance in early 2009:

“According to a previously reliable source, Apple misrepresented the reasons behind Macworld and Jobs’ keynote cancellation. Allegedly, the real cause is his rapidly declining health. In fact, it may be even worse than we imagined”

The source, of course, was anonymous, but it didn’t keep them from dolling up the entry with some classy artwork to go with their unsubstantiated story:

Dicks...again

About the tight security surrounding Apple’s products, likening their tactics to those of the Nazi Gestapo (an excellent critique – and use of TMA’s douchebag trademark – from DED here).

“No, Tom (the story’s source) never lived in Nazi Germany, nor in East Germany, nor in the Soviet Union, nor in Communist China. He lives in the United States. For sure, he has never been scared of losing his life nor the ones he loves, like thousands of millions in those countries. But he knows how it feels to be watched, to always be considered guilty of crimes against another kind of state. He knew how it felt to have no privacy whatsoever when he was working right here, in a little Californian town called Cupertino, in a legendary place located in One Infinite Loop.

Tom knew about all that pretty well, back when he was working at Apple Inc.”

Lesson for junior link-baiters: few things bring in the link love better than comparing something trivial to the greatest atrocity of the 20th century.

His objective review of iPad app ecosystem:

“The iPad app store is now showing more than 100,000 apps available. That roughly means about one hundred apps that are actually awesome. Which, mind you, it’s about 97 more than everyone else. I don’t give a damn about the rest.”

To give you a sense of the kind of respect that Diaz’s posts elicit, the post was promptly followed by a flood comments listing awesome apps. Even now, Apple’s lame app store continues to hinder the iPad, evidenced by the fact that the company can’t seem to make enough of them.

His scintillating review of Apple’s latest OS, Lion:

“It breaks my heart to say this, but Mac OSX Lion’s interface feels like a failure.”

Another critical mistake on Apple’s part that has crippled Mac sales – oh wait – I mean the mistake that’s encouraging Macs to sell like crazy in a PC market that’s turned to shit. Almost had me there, Diaz.

His continued work reviewing the developer preview of Mountain Lion, an OS that won’t ship until this summer. That didn’t prevent him from giving it 3 stars, or for continuing his whiney detractions summarized thusly:

“It’s the antithesis of Jon Ive’s minimalistic design, all essence devoid of artifice.”

Maybe you meant “substance” instead of “artifice”? Or maybe your incorrect sentence structure mangled your point and you meant Ive’s design was “essence devoid of artifice”? Maybe I fell asleep 3 times trying to decipher the shitty writing that is your trademark.

And his latest contribution, a questioning of Apple’s tactics in acquiring the trademark for the iPad from a bankrupt troll:

“Proview—the former owners of the iPad trademark in China—is suing Apple in California for “fraud by intentional misrepresentation, fraud by concealment, fraudulent inducement, and unfair competition.” Are they right? This is how Apple tricked them. You be the judge”

If you were at all concerned that based on “You be the judge” that the evidence presented would be balanced, you need only look to the piece’s graphic – and the fact that the words were written by Jesus Diaz – that the facts would be somewhat tainted with an already-drawn conclusion.

Diaz does away with any illusion of objectivity in his summary: “Oh Steve, you dirty rotten scoundrel. How much I miss your ways (seriously). Between this and Mountain Lion’s Don Corleone approach to App Store features, you keep stealing my heart even after you are gone.” The practice of having a third party secure trademarks to prevent no-worth companies like Proview from milking the value of words is common, but don’t let a well-known business tactic jam the gears of your hate machine. That last sentence had a chance at some resonance if people didn’t already know you sold your heart for pageviews, just another Gawker whore holding onto his post at Gizmodo in the face of withering unpopularity (check the number of banned comments accompanying anything he writes) long after his co-contributors realized that there was life after penning lopsided anti-Apple screed.

So after what seemed like an eternity watching Jesus Diaz peg Apple for hits, TMA welcomes him into the hallowed halls of Douchebag’s Row, where Luddites and petulant children are embraced with equal warmth. Perhaps some day, during one of his SEO tantrums, Diaz will hold his breath long enough that we’ll all be free from his mangled, amateur, straw-man prose.

Oct 072011
 

To earn a place in the hallowed halls of Douchebag’s Row usually requires a career’s worth of hit-whoring, but for our latest inductee, I’m going to make an exception based on a single piece. As inevitable as the thousands of articles praising Steve Jobs – as inescapable as the thoughtful words of people such as President of the United States, countless Silicon Valley icons and leaders from every industry on the planet – some one-off classless scrawling about how Jobs was really not that big of a deal and that people should get over it was equally likely. I could tell you I was surprised that it came from Nick Denton’s Gawker Media, but that would be bullshit. In addition to severely compromising its users’ personal information and using stolen goods to blackmail people, Gawker methodically produces this kind of excrement with the frequency that a farmer milks a cow. It’s the entirety of their business model. Hamilton Nolan’s piece “Steve Jobs Was Not God” has no doubt generated hundreds of thousands of hits for the blog network that includes some of my personal favorites like Deadspin and Lifehacker. I, for one, will continue enjoying them, but from this point forward, I refuse to give them a single hit.  Whether through RSS reader or other means, I will scrape the shit out of their content, but I will not allow Gawker Media in any way to benefit from my presence. I’d encourage everyone reading this to do the same.

I don’t link to scum like Nolan, but I want to expose my readers to the full context of what’s got me so hot. To save you from having to visit the site yourself, here is the article in its entirety, which will be followed by a section where I swear a lot. If Nick Denton doesn’t like me scraping his content wholesale and dumping it into my blog, he can thoroughly and vigorously fuck himself.

Steve Jobs Was Not God

So, Steve Jobs is dead. A tech genius has passed on. Sad. Certainly a devastating loss to Steve Jobs’ close friends and family members, as well as to Apple executives and shareholders. The rest of you? Calm down.

Among my Facebook friends yesterday, more than one wrote publicly that they were “crying” or “can’t stop crying” or “teared up” due to Steve Jobs’ death. Really now. You can’t stop crying, now that you’ve heard that a middle-aged CEO has passed on, after a long battle with cancer? If humans were always so empathetic, well, that would be understandable. But this type of one-upmanship of public displays of grief is both unbecoming and undeserved.

Real outpourings of public grief should be reserved for those people who lived life so heroically and selflessly that they stand as shining examples of love for all of humanity. People like, for example, the Rev. Fred Shuttlesworth, who—along with his family—was bombed, beaten, and stabbed during his years of principled activism in the US civil rights movement. Shuttlesworth died yesterday, the same day as Steve Jobs. He did not die a billionaire.

Death, of course, is not a competition. All deaths are sad for the living. Everyone deserves to be mourned, and well-known people will inevitably be mourned more loudly than others. But it is actually important to keep our grief in perspective. When we start mourning technocrats as idols, we cheapen the lives of those who have sacrificed more for their fellow man.

Steve Jobs was great at what he did. There’s no need to further fellate the man’s memory. He made good computers, he made good phones, he made good music players. He sold them well. He got obscenely rich. He enabled an entire generation of techie design fetishists to walk around with more attractive gadgets. He did not meaningfully reduce poverty, or make life-saving scientific discoveries, or end wars or heal the sick or befriend the friendless. Which is fine—most of us don’t. But most of us don’t provoke such cult-like lachrymosity when we pass on. When even the journalists tasked with covering you and your company are reduced to pie-eyed fans apologizing for discomforting your insanely powerful multibillion-dollar corporation in some minor way, some perspective has been lost.

I’ve never owned an Apple product. Yet here I am, talking on phones, typing on computers, and reading the internet every day. If you like Apple products, fine. They are products. They do not have souls. They are not heroes, and neither is their creator, no matter how skilled he may have been. Let’s mourn Steve Jobs as we mourn the passing of any other good man—modestly, privately, and quietly. Those of you whose remembrances have already taken on a quasi-religious tone: seek help.

Let the sentiment wash over you. Read it again if it helps. Ask yourself if the condescension of a blog hack telling you how to express your grief over the death of another human being is worse than the casual talking-point diminishment of Jobs’s contributions to the way we interact with technology. How do you feel about being gamed into feeling guilty about Jobs’s death when you didn’t mourn a civil rights activist who died of natural causes after a long life? What does the phrase “fellate the man’s memory”, one that I’m sure got Gawker 100,000 clicks alone, do for you? Nick must be so proud of you, Hamilton.

Here’s my wish for you, Hamilton Nolan. That some day, you’ll be sitting across from a potential employer talking about your work and that he’ll come across the putridness that you will – by that time, if not already – regret having written. My wish is that he’ll ask you about it and that you’ll know, in that moment, as your heart creeps up into your throat and your brow explodes in perspiration, that you’re fucked. I hope this piece is the only thing that keeps you from a cushy writing gig and that it happens at a juncture in your life when you can least afford it. I hope that your interviewer tells his friends who you are and that the experience repeats itself, humiliatingly, over and over and over. My hope for you is that you’ll be condemned to life writing the literary equivalent of crackwhore blowjobs, scraping the bottom of the barrel for hits while your 15 year-old band of starred commenters cheer you on.  Welcome to Douchebag’s Row, dickhead. Everyone else here would be revolted to be in your company.

And no one will remember you when you’re gone.

Aug 312011
 

When Steve Jobs announced his resignation as CEO of Apple, you could almost tap out the beat (…2, 3, 4) before the first career hit-mooch would take to his keyboard and announce that the spell had been broken – that the “reality distortion field” that causes all Apple product users to make irrational purchasing decisions – had dissipated. I had a short list of pundits who would pick up this mantle, and I’m happy to say one of them came through. It’s long past time he was duly honored for his body of work.

Joe Wilcox is a garden variety anti-Apple troll who ambidextrously fluffs both Microsoft and Google at Apple’s expense. Like all DBR inductees, he’s also incredibly shitty at what he does, if you assume that thing involves “intelligently talking about trends in technology”. How bad is he? Let’s allow Wilcox to shine the light of his intellect on a couple of major technology stories and see where he comes out.

On Steve Ballmer’s leadership of Microsoft   

After firing a number of long-time senior executives at Microsoft, Ballmer’s actions justifiably came under fire from the tech press as short-sighted sacrifices made by an incompetent CEO. Not according to Wilcox: Ballmer’s doing it to show everyone who’s boss. Joe took to his favorite venue, Betanews, to set the record straight. From the section of the piece titled – I shit you not – “Captain, My Captain”:

Ballmer has something to communicate here to other Microsoft executives, employees, partners, Wall Street analysts and investors: He’s in charge and will do whatever is necessary to make Microsoft more competitive in the decade 2010.  No Microsoft leader is sacred enough; anyone can and will be sacked if they put personal agenda or perceived Microsoft agenda ahead of the company.

It’s certainly a good thing Ballmer chose the decade 2010 to jam a rocket in his ass, because the last one didn’t look so good. Here’s Ballmer’s “decade 2000” from an investor’s perspective – compared to another tech company with modest growth:

Yes, those are thousands of percent

That blue line should look familiar to anyone who’s ever seen an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. When you’re looking for vital signs, it’s what you see when something’s dead. But that was “the flaccid 2000’s”. How about the first year of that rocketship decade?

Pff.

OK: so maybe Wilcox isn’t so good at spotting great leaders. Let’s try out some good old fashioned prognostication. When the tech press buzz was building about the rumored product that turned out to be the iPad, how did Joe feel about its prospects?

“The world doesn’t need an Apple tablet, or any other” By Joe Wilcox

I know what’s going on here. This is one of those “Brutus was an honorable man” articles – you know: the ones that throw you with the title but conclude 180 degrees away from it?

“So I’ll assert what should be obvious to anyone thinking rationally and not emotionally: Tablet is a nowhere category. For all the hype about an Apple tablet , it is at best a niche product. The world doesn’t need an Apple tablet, no matter what the hype about rumored features or regardless of what actually releases (if anything).

/prints out picture of Wilcox

//laughs maniacally in photo’s face

To his credit, Wilcox did publish an article in June of last year – after 6 months of the iPad kicking the shit out of his “nowhere category”. Of his original claim, he says “Yes, I was wrong. I admit it. Flail me in Betanews comments or other blogs. Surely Macheads will peck away even my bones. Go ahead. I won’t often give you such opportunity.” Then he went and published “iPad Cannot Win the Tablet Wars” a year later, asserting that Apple could not possibly keep its edge on Android’s offerings, while also proving that he can indeed provide future opportunities to be flailed – on the same topic no less. Of course, for people who have no shame about how fucktarded the things they say sound, opportunities for flailing also provide opportunities for pageviews. Turns out there are some people on the internet who love telling misinformed people how wrong they are. Go figure.

Which brings us back to Wilcox’s induction-tipping article “I Lost My Passion for Apple”. Let’s take her for a spin:

“Earlier this month I sold my 11.6-inch MacBook Air (using Samsung Series 5 Chromebook now) and iPhone 4 (switched back to Google Nexus S).”

I can almost fathom Wilcox getting a Nexus S to prove how thoroughly un-Apple he is despite having used their kit, but he’d have us believe he traded an Air in for a Chromebook? The hardware universally panned as too big and too expensive to make a decent netbook powered by Google’s wet fart of an OS?

Without Apple Chairman Steve Jobs driving innovation or inspiring passion — the oft-called “reality distortion field” — my Apple enthusiasm is gone. Perhaps it’s return to sanity.

Jobs retired on August 24. Wilcox wrote his article three days later. Is he claiming that “innovation and passion” is now retroactively missing from products released when he was still CEO? Was his returning the Apple products some sort of protest or does he honestly believe that every Apple product contains a whisp of Jobs’ soul – as long as he’s CEO, that is.

But on reflection, I now see how much simplicity, one of Apple products’ best attributes, is giving way to complication creep. Mac OS X 10.7 Lion and iTunes 9 and 10 are glaring examples of increased complexity, as are iOS 4 (and soon v5), Safari 5.1, iLife `11 and most other Apple software.

More specifically…

Oh. I guess Wilcox doesn’t need to be any more expository than putting a bunch of Apple products in a list. What the fuck is “complication creep”? How piss-poor of a writer do you have to be to run off a list like this and not even drill down on one item on it? Wait: you do have an example, Joe?

Still, where Steve Jobs’ influence still touched so did simplicity remain, which iPad 2, MacBook Air and Mac App Store imbue. But other recent attempts at simplicity have failed, with Final Cut Pro X example of increased complexity coming from an attempt to make video production simpler. Many of Apple’s elite customers complained about the product, and there was even a petition to bring back the old version! Could such a thing really have happened with Steve Jobs hands-on at Apple?

So, aside from nonsensically returning a product he claims is still “imbued” with Jobs’ characteristic “simplicity”, Wilcox cites people complaining about a new version of an Apple product as evidence that Jobs no longer cares. Maybe Joe doesn’t peruse the Apple Discussion Boards, like say someone who was preparing to write something about which they wanted to appear knowledgable. How about the clamor over the introduction of glossy screens? iMovie ’08? As an Apple product user, I can attest that there are no bitchier end-users on the planet. Final Cut is just another example of Apple doing something that some users don’t like. If anyone’s attitude towards change has been “not a big deal”, it’s been Jobs. If anything, knee-jerk responses to every user gripe would be characteristic of Apple without Jobs, not the other way around.

Apple feels quite different to me now in 2011 than it did in 2008. It’s all corporate now.

How exactly does that feel, Joe? Does it feel like someone has pulled a Ziploc over your head while your hands and feet were bound, because for some reason, that image of you is really sticking with me.

 Just dollars and cents on a ledger.

And ubiquitously best-in-class products and services, as reviewed by every respectable outlet in existence, but go on…

What Jobs imbued already is gone, at least for me.

Except for the MacBook Air, but I returned it anyway, because my writing has the continuity of someone still learning cursive.

I predict it will fade for many technophiles.

And I’m awesome at predicting things.

But not anytime soon for the mass market of buyers, who are more influenced by what their friends and family use than by the aura of Steve Jobs. His legendary “one more thing” was one last thing long ago.

I confess I don’t even know what that closing means, but the trickle of blood from my left ear suggests I should leave Wilcox’s prose before one of my anterior lobes implodes.

So: Joe Wilcox. Stunningly ignorant blatherer of things anti-Apple, relentlessly incorrect interpreter of technology trends, clueless prognosticator, archetypical hit-whore: welcome to Douchebag’s Row. There is no one who writes so much about Apple that knows as little as you. In the rare air you now share, that’s saying something.

 Posted by at 12:33 am
May 042011
 

Observe the haymaker-inducing smirk.

Apple is a company that brings out the worst in some people.  Whether they be fanboy-bashers or CEOs of bloated software juggernauts, there’s something about Steve’s condescending little smirk that drives people absolutely batshit.  I get it.  I really do.  For most of these individuals, the knowledge that I work with a superior OS is satisfaction enough.  But for a select few, the magnitude of their assholery cannot be dismissed by that melodic C Major chord.  These are the members of Douchebag’s Row.  This series is designed to honor those who, through word and/or deed, have distinguished themselves as something more than mere assholes.

Let’s begin, shall we?

In TMA’s informal query – or the factual equivalent of the average analyst’s survey – Wall Street criminals rank 1/2 notch above pedophiles on the “most loathsome creatures on the planet” list. And much like pedophiles, many Street analysts no longer get to do the thing they love the most because it’s thoroughly illegal. Take the case of Henry Blodget.

Young Henry made a name for himself pre dot-com by predicting that Amazon would reach $400 a share. According to an article in Forbes, that prediction alone landed him a gig at the now-beloved Merrill Lynch, where he proceeded to spew prognostications for internet start-ups that were all over the map. He predicted big things for eToys, only to have them fold 3 years later. His “stopped clock analysis” continued garnering attention despite its pretty dismal track record. Leading up to the dot-com bubble burst, not everyone was chalking up Henry’s schizophrenic recommendations to the fact that he didn’t know what he was talking about. Turns out Blodget didn’t necessarily believe everything he was saying publicly about the companies and that’s kind of a no-no. The Securities and Exchange Commission got a whiff of Merrill’s – and Blodget’s – “inconsistencies” and launched an investigation. In 2003, Merrill settled with the State of New York for $100 million. The SEC fined Blodget $4 million and banned him from the securities industry for life. From the SEC’s press release:

“Blodget, of New York City, issued fraudulent research under Merrill Lynch’s name, as well as research in which he expressed views that were inconsistent with privately expressed negative views. Blodget’s conduct constituted violations of the federal securities laws and NASD and NYSE rules, which require that, among other things, published research reports have a reasonable basis, present a fair picture of the investment risks and benefits, and not make exaggerated or unwarranted claims.”

Understandably Blodget doesn’t talk a lot about the settlement. And he gets a little annoyed when he’s forced to. I’m sure he thinks he did nothing wrong. If you shell out multiple millions in order to not have to go to trial, not only are you guilty, you’re probably guilty of 500 times more shit than you’ve been accused of. Did you want exoneration? Then you should have gone to trial. GUILTY.

After the SEC told Blodget that he couldn’t get a job talking up the value of something worthless and profiting from it, he no doubt spent a lot of time thinking about what kind of gig would allow him to take his finely-honed fomenting skill and make money with it. Where else could one use a background in technology to disingenuously misdirect people and profit from it? I’ll leave my readers to reconcile the SEC directive that Blodget be “banned from the securities industry” with Blodget’s current title of “Co-Founder, CEO, and Editor in Chief of The Business Insider, a blog about internet business trends”.

So what pearls of wisdom has Henry bestowed upon the technology community? Most recently, he’s been butchering the “OMG Android will so crush iOS any day now” riff  worse than the intro to “Smoke on the Water” at an Intro to Electric Guitar class. But Blodget persists, despite the fact that several smart people have made rational arguments as to why the claim is little more than rhetorical masturbation. In his own words, here are some of the precocious one’s most valuable gems:

About the aforementioned Android market share: “As we’ve said before, Apple is fighting a very similar war to the one it fought–and lost–in the 1990s…Importantly, it’s not a question of which platform is “better.” (This is irrelevant.) It’s a question of which platform everyone else uses.”

On “Locationgate”: “Apple built a system into your iPhone that secretly tracks and records everywhere you go.  This system records your exact location and the exact time you were there–down to the second…Please explain, with a straight face, how that could possibly be a ‘mistake.'”

Henry Blodget is a valuable lesson to all of you career-minded individuals who have been dealt a setback – say, a $4 million fine – that challenges you to reinvent your most valuable asset. One day Blodget was fellating value onto something worthless to make money off idiots who took his advice; now Blodget is fellating value onto something worthless to make money off pageviews from people who want to tell him how much of an idiot he is. Now that is making a silk purse out of sows’ ears.

So it is my distinct pleasure to welcome Henry McKelvey Blodget to Douchebag’s Row. Although he is its youngest member, he has provided us with one of the earliest examples of why we currently hate traders slightly more than lawyers. Equal parts dishonest broker and spin doctor, Blodget has shown us that the mantle of douchebaggery can be carried proudly by my generation.

Dec 012010
 

Paul Thurrott reminds me a lot of Charlie, the main character from “Flowers for Algernon”. If you’re one of the 8 people who didn’t have this short-story-turned-novel inflicted on you in the 7th grade – or never made it to 7th grade – the story is an allegory about how life is enriched through the acquisition of power (in this case intelligence) and its subsequent decline when the lights go out. Through an experimental operation, Charlie temporarily acquires super-intelligence, transforming him from retarded (the technical term, not the nonchalant descriptive term TMA uses to describe Windows UI elements) menial worker to someone with an almost godlike level of consciousness. Written as a series of journal entries, Charlie’s progress is tracked from retarded to super genius – and back again – after the effects of the augmentation procedure dissolve.

The thin analogy here is that Thurrott’s entire career is derived from Microsoft’s artificial ascendancy through its theft of intellectual property and abuse of monopoly power, followed by an inevitable and seemingly never-ending fall. As long as Microsoft’s star shone brightly, Thurrott’s career blossomed. He was a speed dial call for several tech news outlets, enjoying numerous television appearances, paid speaking engagements, podcasts – you name it, Thurrott did it. But as the source of his prolificacy was exposed again and again as a company as likely to produce cold fusion as anything remotely attractive to customers in a competitive market, his defense of Redmond  became evermore nonsensical screed, sounding more like it came from someone who needed to wear protective gear to keep from hurting themselves than from a respected member of the tech journalism community. Some selected gems from the mouth/fingertips of Charlie:

“The New York Times asks, “With so much going for them why, eight months after the iPad’s release, is the design of so many of those apps so boring?”
To which I answer: They’re boring because the iPad is boring. Rather than create an environment that was specially tailored to the unique iPad form factor, Apple instead chose to simply stretch the iPhone UI out to meet the size of the new device, making only small changes to accommodate the additional onscreen real estate.”

“When you go out and about with just an iPad, you’re sending a message that you’re not going to contribute. You’re just there to consume. This is why the iPad is, to my mind, uniquely unsuitable in the workplace. Knowledge workers don’t just read documents. They comment on them, edit them, send feedback. They contribute…The iPad is not a business tool. In fact, for most people, it never will be. (And those who contort their workflow to make this possible are, of course, simply trying too hard to justify their vanity purchase.)” Ed. The use of the ellipse here is not to hide the part of the quote containing its compelling logic, as is the case in most tech blogging, but simply an attempt to staunch the hemorrhaging stupidity.

“There’s been a lot written about Apple’s iPad, but little of it, to date, has reflected the very real problems with this device. I’d like to correct this, not because the iPad is horrible, but because the iPad is simply good. And this is not what those in the lamestream media would have you believe. Instead of actually reviewing the iPad objectively, they have opted to ape Apple’s marketing mantra, calling it “magical” or “innovative” or, worst of all, “a game changer.” It is none of those things. It is just good.”

This is all on one topic. Paul’s entire body of mystifyingly bad analysis is probably the largest on the internet.  You might be tempted to feel sorry for Paul, much like the sympathy one would have for the intellectually challenged protagonist in Keyes’ book.  It’s much more likely, however, that Paul’s position as the last person religiously fluffing Microsoft and bashing Apple is nothing more than garden variety hit-whoring schtick as opposed to the expression of below-average intelligence. OK: well below average intelligence. The tip-off is that he spells most of his words correctly.

And so concludes TMA’s induction ceremony for our third member of Douchebag’s Row: Paul Thurrott. Welcome to your place among the internet’s elite FUDruckers, Paul: you should feel right at home.

Jun 112010
 

Apple is a company that brings out the worst in some people.  Whether they be fanboy-bashers or CEOs of bloated software juggernauts, there’s something about Steve’s condescending little smirk that drives people absolutely batshit.  I get it.  I really do.  For most of these individuals, the knowledge that I work with a superior OS is satisfaction enough.  But for a select few, the magnitude of their assholery cannot be dismissed by that melodic C Major chord.  These are the members of Douchebag’s Row.  This series is designed to honor those who, through word and/or deed, have distinguished themselves as something more than mere assholes.


Once upon a time, a writer started a blog satirizing the life and business decisions of Apple’s CEO Steve Jobs. In the early days of the blog, you could actually picture the opinionated and sometimes-vulgar head of Apple saying some of the things that the blog – Fake Steve Jobs – attributed to him. As Apple’s stock ascended, the mystery writer who penned the site’s entries gained quite a following.

But the laughs could not go on forever. The first blow came when a New York Times writer discovered that Fake Steve was actually some tech editor at Forbes named Dan Lyons. Then, after announcing that he was leaving the personna of FSJ behind because he was so distraught over Steve Jobs’s poor health, many of his snarky followers lamented their loss – for the 5 minutes it took Lyons to realize that he couldn’t produce anything that anyone gave a shit about but Fake Steve. Of course, Lyons spun Jobs’s return to Apple as the reason for his return to FSJ.

With this return, no doubt fueled by the certitude that aping someone else’s success was the only gig that was going to put food on his table, the darkness descended. Dan’s resentment of the role he chose for himself as Fake Steve began to boil. FSJ began manifesting his hatred of Jobs and Apple in less and less satirical ways. Lyons penned an unflattering recounting of the “backdating scandal” called iCon. Trying desperately to make something more of his career than jetwash recycler for Apple’s CEO, Lyons took a job at Newsweek as a writer on their tech beat, where he got several additional opportunities to snipe at Apple while continuing to bare his teeth as FSJ.  The infectious disease known as hitwhoria, which had plagued Lyons his entire career, became chronic. His entries for both Newsweek and FSJ, now devoid of facts, logic and humor, are now strictly a repository for the self-loathing he feels having dedicated his best years siphoning real accomplishments from someone else – like some tech laureate lamprey. Most recently, examples of Lyons’s shark jumping include “screw the iPhone, I’m with Android!” and “the Macintosh is dead”.

If you look at Fake Steve Jobs now, you’ll see some of the most bitter, contrived and vacant writing of his career, designed only to pull in eyeballs. Some of TMA’s favorites:

Mocking Jobs’s comment at D8 defending the work environment at Foxconn, which include restaurants and a movie theater, playing a role in a series of suicides there: “Obviously we feel terrible about this but it’s important to keep things like this in perspective. Foxconn has restaurants and swimming pools. It’s a pretty nice place.” Stay classy.

Trying to make fun of Jobs’s habit of responding to emails he receives directly by “responding” to a writer’s question about why Macs cost more than PCs (wasn’t that the theme of a couple of commercials a while back?): “The times they are a changing, and very soon the all-purpose computer, where you can buy and run any software you want, will be obsolete, replaced by the iPad, which costs more and does less and only runs software made by Apple or approved by Apple and sold through Apple’s store. This is the future and it will be way better than what we’ve had so far…” This hits the Lyons trifecta of “bash Apple’s closed ecosystem”, “bash Apple’s price premium” and “bash Apple’s limited functionality”. A drinking game based on spotting these themes from the last month on FSJ is guaranteed to send you to the emergency room.

I could continue citing Lyons for pages but frankly every other sentence is laced with this kind of venom, as unfunny as it is accuracy-free.

So at long last, TMA has added another bust to the 2 man menagerie that is Douchebag’s Row. Daniel Lyons. Once an occasional provider of crafted snark, he has joined the other red-faced tantrum throwers who envy success – especially because his meager spoils came exclusively from being the jizzmopper of an icon.

May 042009
 

EnderleDoucheApple is a company that brings out the worst in some people.  Whether they be fanboy-bashers or CEOs of bloated software juggernauts, there’s something about Steve’s condescending little smirk that drives people absolutely batshit.  I get it.  I really do.  For most of these individuals, the knowledge that I work with a superior OS is satisfaction enough.  But for a select few, the magnitude of their assholery cannot be dismissed by that melodic C Major chord.  These are the members of Douchebag Row.  This series is designed to honor those who, through word and/or deed, have distinguished themselves as something more than mere assholes.

Let’s begin, shall we? Continue reading

Mar 122015
 

It’s been 4 months since I’ve gone into the “Edit Post” section of the WordPress CMS and I’m sure several of my loyal readers were wondering when TMA would be back banging on his keyboard – or if he was just going to go full-on Roughly Drafted. The issue I’ve been having with writing is strongly related to the topic of this post – namely that the tech universe covering Apple is so rife with friction-generating prostitutes that flailing logic against their stupidity felt a lot like attempting to dispel a cloud of mosquitos with a hatchet.

It’s not that I expected this site to have any effect whatsoever on the people who seek to profit from their irrational anti-Apple takes, but watching the entire landscape of tech writing gradually slide in that direction after every successful Apple product announcement or earnings call made the whole exercise feel pointless.

As I continue to debate the merits of running the red ink operation that is TheMacAdvocate (calls to Surojit Chatterjee about his coping strategies remain unanswered), let me regale those dozens of active readers who aren’t botnet nodes with my thoughts about the Apple Watch.

When Tim Cook first announced the Watch, my reaction was mixed. Obviously a segment of the market ripe for disruption – after Samsung’s multiple entries, which were just “ripe” – Apple seemed to be the company to lead the charge into wearables. But a watch seemed to be a device that has defied additional complexity. The mobile phone market was young and flawed; the market for watches was one of the oldest technology markets on the planet. The addition of fitness tracking devices only created a niche sub-market. Maybe the failings of numerous other manufacturers should have been viewed more as a harbinger rather than a lack of execution. My confidence in the device was bolstered mainly by the ability of Apple to design and execute something that broke radically from the status quo.

After Spring Forward, I am more cautiously optimistic. The Watch seems to occupy the most personal space of any Apple product, and not just because it can track your heart rate. It’s the ultimate companion in that it is literally bound to your person. Think about this way: your Mac, your iPad and your iPhone are on a spectrum of availability from least to greatest, but even your iPhone gets left on the counter, in your coat, etc. The Apple Watch will persist through your showers, your sleep cycles, your workouts. It represents ultimate availability. The Apple Watch is the final pole in that spectrum. Although the Mac/iPad/iPhone-like functionality of the device will (appropriately) scale down because of its size, it will always be with you. Earlier I mentioned the excellent hands-on by Rene Richie. In comments (where, with Twitter, has been where I’ve been leaving my “contributions”), I had this to say:

I really like the representation of Apple as “staging convenience and complexity.” There is a trade-off between accessibility and productivity – one that companies like Microsoft continue to fail to understand. For them, it’s doing all things on all devices; for Apple it’s about terracing the experience and putting the device you *need* in front of you with pointers (and tethers) to the device you want. That device used to be on your desk or in your laptop bag. The Apple Watch completes the continuum of “pure productivity” and “pure accessibility” in a way I think few people understand today. Great take.

So how did the technorati react to the event? By defining the same dichotomy present after every Apple product announcement. The reasonable vs. irrational reactions all had one thing in common: whether or not the person was actually present for the hands-on portion of the event. Some of my favorites:

Kevin Rose thinks “The Gold Apple Watch Is Perfect for Douchebags.” Kevin believes because the Apple Watch Edition doesn’t appeal to the collector, the technologist or the gold lover (whoever the fuck that is), that it has no appeal. Who is Kevin Rose? Ten years ago you’d be laughed out of a room for asking. Rose, you see, founded Digg, which was a hugely popular community-moderated news aggregator. You know: like Reddit is today. After leaving Digg once a site redesign decimated its user base, Rose built on that success with…actually, nothing really. He founded a mobile application development company called Milk, then shut it down a year later. In 2012, he signed on with Google as Legacy Early-Internet Founder Dude a Senior Product Manager for the red-hot social networking site Google+, then moved over to Google Ventures. He also runs a site called “Watchville,” because he has boundless time, a fetish and several remaining zeros in his checking account from early investments in small start-ups like Facebook, Twitter and Foursquare. Sadly, Rose’s ancient tech-cred is more than many others’ qualifications to speak on the Apple Watch.

Gizmodo’s Mario Aguilar thinks you shouldn’t buy the Apple Watch because it’s the first version. Aside from being guilty of one of the most hackneyed tech tropes out there (“Never buy version 1!”), he cites the original iPhone and iPad as evidence of v1 suckiness. Apparently Mario forgot how far ahead of anything else these devices were when they were announced – probably because he was 7 years old at the time. He does stay away from the rank stupidity of DBR cornerstone Jesus Diaz, however, which suggests the site may be 3 steps into a 12 step troll recovery program. And Aguliar’s colleague Sean Hollister actually posts a decent, if not terribly reflective hands-on piece. The real news here is that Apple is unfortunately not shitting on Gizmodo anymore by locking them out of their events. Sometimes Apple’s high road makes me sad.

Finally, Rob Enderle doesn’t have very nice things to say about the Apple Watch. Of course, his concerns contain a density of stupid that you’d see if you put Diaz’s stupid through a black hole. I’ll hand this one off to the Macalope, who has had much more fun skewering Apple idiot-seeders than I have lately. Rob’s already earned his place here. The amazing/tragically depressing thing is that he still finds an audience, which should tell you everything you need to know about why I haven’t been writing.

 Posted by at 2:45 pm
Mar 202014
 

I made a link reference to Trip Chowdhry as “the worst Apple analyst on the planet” after his appearance on CNBC. The venerable Philip Elmer-DeWitt has taken a couple of shots at his particular brand of analysis, including my personal favorite “How wrong-headed can one Apple analyst be?” Apparently, Chowdhry took the title of that piece as some sort of challenge, because his latest note to investors is a tour de force of anti-analysis. It’s captivating in a “The Counselor” kind of way, except people expected that movie to be good, whereas anyone who has ever seen this muppet in action knew he had it in him.
They see me trollin' They hatin'

They see me trollin’
They hatin’

Chowdhry’s opus vomitus takes the form of a report filed March 8 calling for, among other things, Tim Cook’s firing. Rocco Pendola must feel vindicated. You can download the full report here to bear witness yourself (link provided due to the utter absurdity of its contents), but I’d be remiss if I didn’t take some shots at Trip’s latest tirade.

RESEARCH: Every month we attend 8 to 11 Technology conferences, Summits and User Group Meetings,

One month, we attended 12, but to be conservative we eliminated the outlier and stuck with 8 – 11

and speak to no less than 300 people.

Because 300 is the minimum number of people from which to extract credible opinions. And Global Equities Research is nothing if not credible.

Here is the converged view on Apple

KEY MESSAGE:

  • Apple Shareholders, Apple Employees and the Developer Community at-large have lost confidence is Apple’s current leadership
  • Apple’s CEO Tim Cook is being incentivized to operate in a comfort zone of complacency until August 2016
  • To prevent further destruction of shareholder value, Apple’s CEO and CFO need to be replaced sooner rather than later
  • The team of Jon Rubenstein (Father of iPod) as CEO and Fred Anderson as CFO, may be best to revive Apple
Trip Chowdhry knows kung fu - which he just used to kick common sense in the balls.

Trip Chowdhry knows kung fu – which he uses to periodically kick common sense in the balls.

People, people, PEOPLE! Let’s give Chowdhry the opportunity to explain his thinking…but more likely bury himself with his own words. But possibly explain his thinking!

DETAILS:

Apple shareholders have lost confidence in Apple’s CEO and CFO – Destruction of $130 Bil of Apple’s Shareholder value is more than 2x the destruction of Shareholder value at Enron.

Note the date range in the upper left-hand corner

Note the date range in the upper left-hand corner

  • Apple’s Stock is at $530, which is 23% below its high of $702, while S&P 500 is up 27% and Nasdaq is up 36%, in the same time period.
  • Apple’s employees and investors are not oblivious to the fact that, while other stocks and broad indexes have created large amounts of shareholder wealth in the last 12 months, Tim Cook and Peter Oppenheimer have systematically erased $130 Bil of shareholder value.
  • When $63 Bil of shareholder wealth was destroyed at Enron, it shook everyone’s confidence…

When…how…what the FUCK happened WHERE?! Did someone pretending to offer advice on Apple in exchange for money actually compare it to Enron? That has to be the analytical equivalent of Godwinning a comment thread.

…Apple’s destruction of shareholder value is much larger and has occurred in just over 12 months

This is something pointed out by the infinitely more polite J. M. Manness, but bears more explicit treatment just to illustrate the staggering level of stupid we’re dealing with here. That date range I pointed out in the chart caption is 17 months, which I guess qualifies as “just over” in Jackassia.

You’ll notice, as Manness did, that Apple actually rose 20% over the last year.

Screeny Shot Mar 19, 2014, 10.19.01 PM

Chowdhry can’t even be bothered to consult a calendar when cherry-picking.

  • Tim Cook’s and Peter Oppenheimer’s “returning cash to the shareholders” has only resulted in a 23% decline in shareholder value, outflow of cash from the Balance Sheet and an inflow of debt. It is not clear where all the cash is going.

If you have any kind of allergy to disassociated, nonsensical logic, I hope you brought your epi pen. The 23% AAPL is down – in market cap, mind you, can now be attributed to one cause: the company’s buybacks. And it’s pretty clear where the cash is going if you can be bothered to read a financial statement.

Possible Explanation:

  • Tim Cook’s compensation and incentives are for NOT maximizing the value of Apple stock until August 2016.
  • Tim Cook’s compensation package prior to June 2013 enabled vesting of 500,000 shares in August 2016. This incentive was consistent…

I’m going to spare my readers the chart, graph and seven bullet points that follow. It’s a shame too because it looks like a decent amount of research went into making Chowdhry’s point. It’s too bad that the presmise, which is that Tim Cook is not running Apple aggressively because he wants to wait until his stock options mature before he releases any new product categories, is complete garbage.

Think about that assumption for a second: the CEO of the most valuable company in the world is actively stalling its product pipeline for the express purpose of maximizing his personal wealth. And he intends to do it for over 3 years. Thank God Trip Chowdhry is here to save Apple investors from standing behind the man that has increased the company’s market cap by 36% since he became CEO.

Apple developer community –at-large has lost confidence in Apple CEO – No new Products and Zero Innovation

  • Apple’s developer community continues to be frustrated by Apple’s CEO. “Under Tim Cook, Apple has not launched a single new product…where is the iWatch, where is the AppleTV”

Where are some of the other product categories that analysts have been whacking it to? Where are the products that Apple never mentioned were in development, but really, really should make because analysts know more about running the company than Apple does? The ones that have been nothing but unmitigated failures to this point when brought to market by Apple’s competitors?! And I’m really not sure who is being quoted above – maybe one of the voices in Chowdhry’s head.

  • Apple developer community members have started to put more of their effort on Google Android Platform, as they are seeing rapid innovation on Google platform vs. Apple.

For developers, apparently “rate of innovation” is a substitute for “actual money” when it comes to sustaining a business because despite Google’s super duper pace of innovation, iOS developers still make 5 times what Android developers do. I guess that’s why so many of them are developing for Android first, just like Eric Schmidt said they would.

  • Some Apple developer community members have left iOS platform for writing applications for the Pivotal Big Data Platform

“Some” (where n is between “one” and “all of them”) have left iOS for this Pivotal Big Data Platform…company? Religious movement? Is PBDP our new Data Overlord? Is it the Borg? Your guess is as good as mine. I wonder if this is what Charlie felt like at the end of “Flowers for Algernon“.

  • Apple developer community sees zero innovation under Tim Cook, and the majority would like to see him replaced.

INT. DAY – A LARGE HOTEL CONFERENCE ROOM

The entire Apple developer community has assembled. Assorted awkward laughs and snippets of app store submission horror stories can be heard in the crowd.

NECKBEARD 1: I call this meeting to order! First item of business: the replacement of Apple CEO Tim Cook. All in favor?

A stunned silence falls over the crowd, punctuated by the occasional throat-clearing. Finally, an interpid developer raises his hand.

NECKBEARD 1 Yes?

NECKBEARD 2: What. In the fucking hell. Are you talking about?

THE CROWD BURSTS INTO UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AS VARIOUS ITEMS OF PRODUCE ARE LAUNCHED TOWARD THE PODIUM

Apple’s CEO Tim Cook and CFO Peter Oppenheimer are out of Touch – QUALCOMM has stolen the Proximity Commerce market from Apple … and Apple’s CEO and CFO have not even realized it.

  • With the launch of Apple iOS7, Apple brought a very compelling new technology iBeacon to market, which had the potential to propel Apple into leadership position in mega-billion $$ Proximity Commerce market
  • However, Qualcomm also saw the opportunity in Proximity Commerce and seized the opportunity by creating its own proximity commerce platform called Gimbal
  • Qualcomm has recruited a developer community of more than 10,000 developers who would create Gimbal based Proximity commerce
  • Qualcomm also went into full scale production of Gimbal Beacons priced from being Free to $20 depending on the type of Application
  • Qualcomm, by being fast is well poised to own this multi-billion Proximity Commerce market and has beaten Apple in its own game, as Apple has been complacent

What a steaming pile of fuck-all that was. Where to even begin?

First of all, I don’t see anything that says that Qualcomm’s efforts and Apple’s are mutually exclusive. In fact, Qualcomm is the company that made the iBeacons for the MLB.com At The Ballpark events on baseball’s opening day. Does Trip actually think Apple is the company making iBeacons? This point may be lost on Trip (it is), but the people who own iPhones already have the user end of iBeacon technology. That’s hundreds of millions of devices already in the wild.

  • “Qualcomm, with its Gimbal platform is eating Apple’s Lunch…What is Tim Cook gonna do” asked a frustrated Developer

It’s a bullet point, it’s a quote: it’s a quoting point. A quote that makes no sense given that Qualcomm has bought into iBeacons. And it’s from one developer. Out of a population of about tens of thousands. The classic “according to my friend Larry, ergo, the broad consensus is…” trope. And of course this developer is anonymous, because there was absolutely no other way for the bullet point to mean less. 

Jon Rubenstein (sic) (Father of iPod) as the new CEO and Fred Anderson as the new CFO can rescue Apple

  • Apple needs a new CEO who has created new products and can bring innovation back at Apple
  • Apple needs a new CFO who can increase shareholder value by fundamental innovation and not by gimmickry
  • We think Jon Rubenstein, the Father of iPod as CEO, and Fred Anderson, the prior Apple CFO, would be best to turnaround the destruction of shareholder value at Apple.

Now I love me some Jon Rubinstein. In addition to being the “father of the iPod”, he was this close to succeeding with now-defunct Palm Pre, perhaps the most thoughtful iPhone competitor to date. But the reason one should consider someone not even running a company in the Valley over, let’s say – sigh – Elon Musk is…

I know you didn’t expect to see any justification. I was just testing you.

And Fred Anderson – why, WHY? Please Trip, tell us why, aside from the fact that he served under Steve Jobs for the entirety of his tenure, should Fred Anderson return as CFO? Someone who hasn’t been at Apple for 10 years and has not one fucking clue what the company is like today?

Yes, I should just stop testing you now.

Pls Ask Q’s – 650-[REDACTED]

Trust me on this one, Trip.

After choking down hundreds of articles panning Apple, I’ve come to a realization: there is an art to good Apple trolling. Back in the day, I despised Madonna as a musician yet respected her popularity, which was undeniable. Successful Apple trolls lay out just enough bait to inspire rage-clicks, but restrain their bias just enough to maintain some air of credibility.

Trip Chowdhry, however, is not an artist. He takes the basic trolling model and does things to it that are illegal in at least 23 states under some permutation of anti-bestiality law. It’s actually a little stunning how someone so logically disconnected and willfully ignorant can receive any recognition whatsoever for his vowel-and-consonant pustules. The crazy guy outside of Penn Station who wears a sandwich board calling out the FBI as paid killers for big Pharma makes more fucking sense than Chowdhry – on a good day. For a nanosecond, I considered inducting him into the hallowed halls of Douchebag’s Row, but his presence would make a farce out of a collection of people with the faculties to be trolls. Chowdhry can’t even muster that level of competence.

This is what the tech news ecosystem has become. Once upon a time, you could get your name in the tech press by slamming Apple just enough to make people question their understanding of the company. Nowadays, between the Yukari Iwatani Kane wankfest and tripe like Trip’s, the trend is clear. If you’re not painting the worst case scenario for Apple – regardless of whether or not everything you cite to reach that conclusion is wrong – your voice disappears into an echo chamber of unclicked me-toos. Chowdhry is a new kind of worst-in-breed: he selects only the narrowest band of data and draws conclusions that have no causal relationship whatsoever. It’s anti-analysis wrapped in a chewy coating of misspellings, awkward grammar and diction. He’s a caricature analyst, a bloated-head model of embarrassment for the analyst community – and considering the snake’s belly standard for that lot, that’s saying something.

Update: Incredibly, on the heels of the excrement he slung above, Chowdhry again landed on CNBC, this time on its website as the first analyst quoted regarding the “iWatch”. From the fecal fountainhead himself, after claiming Apple had but 60 days to produce an iWatch (no chance of source link, but hat tip to Gruber):

“It will take years for Apple’s $130 billion in cash to vanish, but it will become an irrelevant company … it will become a zombie, if they don’t come up with an iWatch.”

When I said the tech news ecosystem was a steaming pile, I never thought I’d get affirmation so soon. Add CNBC to the list of dipshit media outlets willing to let people calling themselves analysts parade their intellectual incontinence down their street.

 Posted by at 10:13 am
Apr 072013
 

On April 3, E!’s Talk Soup handed out its prestigious 2013 Soup Awards, celebrating the best of the worst talk show clips from the past year. Now you’d suspect the group consisting of people “analyzing Apple” and the candidates for this award, who stand out by making jackasses out of themselves, would have some degree of overlap, but until this year that hasn’t been the case. Ladies and gentlemen: it is my distinct honor to introduce The Soup Award winner for 2013, in the category of “I Had No Idea We Were Going to Talk About Fraud Allegations”, Henry Blodget.

Hanky Spanky

I’m sure this was more about Henry wanting to come off as a lovable, smiling on-air personality when the camera light went on, but having to switch to “contrition mode” after Matt Lauer exposed Blodget as a blacklisted market manipulator. Another more fantastic possibility is that he legitimately didn’t see the intro coming and that Lauer’s words smashed into his ego with the force of a Mack truck.

“Watch this Lis: you can actually pinpoint the second where his heart rips in half.”

You can probably tell which one I’m going with. It doesn’t matter: one of the largest Douchebags in the Row just got a parody award for getting his beanbag stomped on the nation’s 2nd rated TV morning show. I guess this humiliation is going to have to serve in lieu of the fact that Blodget gets to keep fomenting as editor of a site called Business Insider – after the SEC supposedly banned him from the sector as the part of his settlement that didn’t involve millions of dollars. The Soup’s bit that follows Blodget’s Nazi face melt footage is just delicious icing on the cake. There’s one other nugget of bonus hilarity: The Soup couldn’t even be bothered to spell his name right on the award.

Insult, Meet Injury

Insult, Meet Injury

Someone once told me there’s no such thing as bad press. I think we’ve just found the exception.

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