Samsung is taking pre-emptive steps to have the future iPhone 5 banned in Korea, according to a “anonymous executive” at Samsung. Citing infrigement on “wireless technology related patents”, the unnamed executive apparently wants to strip Apple of the “we didn’t know it was coming” defense Samsung tried to use in the EU, one which somehow ended up not working at all.

Apple allegedly responded to the threat decisively this morning, issuing plastic covers for all keyboards and monitors at 1 Infinite Loop, lest coffee, Diet Coke and other caffeinated beverages be hurled from the mouths and noses of Apple employees in fits of hysterical laughter. An unidentified person from Apple’s legal department added “Maybe Samsung should focus its saber-rattling on the dozens of countries where they currently can’t sell their knock-offs because of us,” adding “I’ve also addressed the Sammy exec’s threat more formally. You’ll find traces of my statement ringing the bowl of the 3rd floor men’s room, 2nd stall from the back.”

It’s fair to say that Information Technology professionals owe 99% of their livelihood to Windows. Without those wondrous wizards of Exchange access to gift you the tools required to do your job, you’d just play solitaire all day. But did you ever have to resolve an issue with one of these Windows professionals? As a user, you’re usually made to feel stupid when Mr. Doritofingers’ precious time is required to resolve a problem he learned the first day of IT bootcamp. That’s kind of how I felt when I got swept up in the initial marketing volley for Windows 8, only to have Windows President Steven Sinofsky have to spell out for stupid users – again – that Windows apps wouldn’t run on any ARM processors.

If you were a reasonable person, this is how you heard Microsoft’s rollout of Windows 8:

Microsoft: Windows 8 represents a bold new direction for Microsoft. The slick Metro UI will be optimized for touchscreen devices, and overlay the traditional desktop-and-folder Windows interface. Windows 8 will run on devices powered by multiple chipsets, including lower-power ARM processors. Windows 8 brings together all the power and flexibility you have in your PC today with the ability to immerse yourself in a Metro style experience. You don’t have to compromise!

Reasonable Person: One OS for all devices? Isn’t it kinda stupid to stuff Windows inside a smartphone for the sake of realizing your unrealistic “Windows everywhere” mantra?

Microsoft: Of course not! See all those tablets running on low-powered chips behind the bulletproof glass? Watch one of our Vice Presidents show you the traditional Windows desktop for 2 seconds while he drones on about Metro’s background gradient! He’s not avoiding showing you Windows!

RP: Wow- if I could have Windows 7 programs on a low-cost device, it would be a compelling alternative for the 15 people that won’t have an iPad when you finally release it. This is a bold step!

Microsoft: Whoa, whoa whoa! This won’t be Pocket Windows 7.5! We’ve been saying that all along! Why are all of you technology people constantly twisting our words? No Windows apps will run natively on the low-power processors; they’ll have to be recompiled. If they’re more resource hungry than Angry Birds, they’ll probably choke it. But you’ll have that awesome gradient effect!

RP: …

Now where would all of those stupid users gotten the idea that a full version of Windows 8 would run on every rig anyway, including the one running on the Droid Bionic’s processor? See if you can guess who said this (hint- it’s the only proper name in this entry):

Why not just start over from scratch? Why not just remove all of the desktop features and only ship the Metro experience? Why not “convert” everything to Metro?  The arguments for a “clean slate” are well known, both for and against. We chose to take the approach of building a design without compromise.

Part of the promise of Windows 8 is its ability to run on low-power processors. There have been some sightings of tablets from Nvidia, TI, and Qualcomm all using their particular flavor of ARM. I use the term “sighting” because all of the reference design units were encased in glass. I’m guessing the reason is that they run like shit. The TI unit, for example, sports the same dual-core 1GHz OMAP4430 that the Droid Bionic does – and if Windows 8 runs acceptably on that rig, I’ll eat something really unsavory.

The folks at thisismynext did manage to get a video of a Microsoft VP fiddling with a tablet rocking the Nvidia quad-core “Kal-El” processor. Tell me what you don’t see a lot of:

What was that – 1:53 of fingering the Metro UI while talking about – of all things – the fucking gradient of the background and maybe 6 seconds of Windows Desktop? It may be that Windows 8 will run on a low-power processor, but this sleight-of-hand was nothing more than a demo of a big Windows 7 Phone.

I don’t think architects and urban planners have a lot of conventions in Los Angeles. But they do have a lot of people, and a higher-than-average concentration of posers, so it’s not surprising that they have an architecture critic. I guess.

Also not surprising: a critic warping something Apple does into a cheer cone for their inane opinions. Los Angeles Times architecture critic Christopher Hawthorne is the latest to yield to the harpy’s call that the company seems to broadcast like some sort of asshole beacon in targeting its proposed Cupertino building.

Hawthorne takes the usual vectors you’d expect someone who wants to disparage the project would take, and some that are puzzling because, well, they’re stupid. Knock on Cupertino City Council for eating out of Jobs’ hand and tying it to Apple’s product announcements? Check. Disparaging comparison to other non-quadralateral structures and gratuitous reference to Cold War architecture? Check. Then things get interesting – and by “interesting” I mean “not very compelling for a critical piece from a publication ending in ‘Times’” (even one based in L.A.).

It is a measure of Jobs’ tight grip on Apple’s reputation for in-house design innovation that even after hiring a celebrity architect like Foster he would keep that architect’s name under wraps; even now, three months after Jobs took the plans public in that council meeting, the Apple press office refuses to confirm that Foster + Partners indeed designed the project.

I guess I’m struggling to see the point of this. Is it that Hawthorne’s peers aren’t getting their just desserts; that Jobs is diminishing the expertise of the firm by not leading with Foster + Partners in every piece of PR? There are other professionals involved in this architecture thing, Mr. Jobs. Christopher Hawthorne demands they be given their due.

Now on to the main event, wherein the urban-saavy architect(ure critic) gets to deride development in the ‘burbs:

When the designs first surfaced online, and a few critics noted their strikingly detached and anti-urban character, defenders of Apple responded by saying that those comments suggested a misreading of Silicon Valley’s history.

The is the entry point of Hawthorne’s long and heavily-borrowed screed against the kind of suburban development that is de rigueur to criticize. The borrowing comes from Louise A. Mozingo, and accounts for a third of the article. The premise: non-urban buildings suck. Put another way:

Even more than low-density tract housing, Mozingo argues, the pastoral corporate campus “precludes the concentration of population that makes public transportation feasible for governments and users.” And even if suburbs like Cupertino decide to make tentative moves in the direction of greater density and better transit, the architecture of the corporate estate —

Zzzzzzzz…sorry.  So cities are the only places where good things happen and if you don’t take on the public-transit leveraging, super expensive urban development, you’re eating up precious resources and hate the earth. This is strange coming from the Los Angeles Times, since L.A. isn’t a city so much as it is a few zip codes connected by smog. But think of how bad it would be if they didn’t have an architecture critic.

When you’re in the trenches of consumer electronics, sometimes it’s difficult to see the forest for the trees. Every once in a while, you need to be reminded of what matters. Here’s what it looks like:

J.D. Powers is a lot like Consumer Reports – except without the douchebag posturing and fucktarded methodology – so they’re actually a respected barometer of customer satisfaction. And these guys think the iPhone is the best smartphone on the market – for the 6th consecutive time. No SD slot, no HDMI out, no 4G – and no Flash. Just a smartphone that people consistently rave about.