This month Redmond is putting its recently-released Kin phones out to pasture – less than 2 months after a marketing blitz of a release that featured impeccably-dressed angsty tweens and continued a Microsoft tradition of top-notch advertising. The company says it will integrate the Kin group, led by Sidekick data-killer Roz Ho, with the Windows Phone Series 7 Series Phone Thingy team.

It’s refreshing to see Microsoft being able to pull the plug not just on products they had no intention of releasing anyway, but on things that actually ship. This level of discipline and self-awareness bodes well for them, even if the 48 day flameout of a major product line is – how can one put this gently – a fucking abomination? If realizing no one wants your consumer electronics offerings is the prerequisite for getting axed, one wonders if Microsoft will even have a Entertainment and Device division in the near term.

Yeah, I didn’t quite buy it either.

Seems Kylie may be the next Jerry Seinfeld for the brand.  Not content to let an ad campaign stand by itself, Kylie has appeared in a crossover ad for Windows 7.  Using her legendary computer skills, she even puts together a slick slideshow with some of 7′s most positive reviews:

Advertising challenge: plot the demographic for this ad.

I honestly can’t tell if they’re leveling themselves or if they believe they’re actually targeting viewers.  That Redmond ad group is one wacky fun machine.

The “cry for mercy” yarn was delivered at Microsoft’s Worldwide Partner Conference by COO Kevin Turner:

“And you know why I know they’re (the Laptop Hunter ads) working? Because two weeks ago we got a call from the Apple legal department saying, hey — this is a true story — saying, “Hey, you need to stop running those ads, we lowered our prices.” They took like $100 off or something. It was the greatest single phone call in the history that I’ve ever taken in business.” (Applause.)

The most fictional call you’ve taken‚ maybe.  And let me add: your sentence structure blows.  Did you start that last sentence wanting to say “it was the greatest single phone call in the history of business” and then chicken out because it was too over-the-top?   You kinda blew the reality cap with the premise‚ so I think you should have run with it.  Besides‚ your lobotomized “partners” would have (applaused) regardless.

So Apple‚ instead of‚ say‚ filing a complaint with the BBB’s National Advertising Division or taking some kind of formal legal action‚ has a representative from their legal department call Microsoft to make a plea for mercy?

Skeptical baby calls bullshit on your story‚ Kevin.  Maybe the souls you crushed under the monopoly wheel at Wal-Mart (is this some kind of theme?) pleaded with you prior to being absorbed/destroyed by The Collective‚ but if I were to guess what the  response from Don Rosenberg’s shop would be‚ it would rhyme with “you fucking wish”.

Update: I should know better than to take the context given at arstechnica/microsoft at face value.  Apple’s alleged beef – I say alleged because there is nothing of substance on this other than Turner’s claim – isn’t that the ads are hurting them‚ but that M$ is grossly misrepresenting the price of current Apple offerings in the ads. And not “like $100 off or something”‚ but $300.  So I guess getting a call from lawyers stating you must cease and desist your blatantly misleading advertising is not quite the same as a squeal of “uncle”.  Douchebag.  Some excellent reporting by the good folks at MacDailyNews here.

Not to be confused with a fundraiser for breast cancer‚ the interface for the Project Pink phone is supposedly being designed by the Danger‚ Inc. folks that M$ picked up via acquisition last year.  Who are they?  Aside from being creators of how-to videos that make you want puncture your eardrums with something sharp‚ they were the masterminds behind the Sidekick phone software.

So it’ll be based on WinMo‚ but with a whimsical Danger overlay?  Maybe smartphone hardware with hip software?  Sounds about as well thought-out as any piece of consumer electronics M$ has put out to me.  Microsoft may also slap their name on the hardware.  Sweet Christ let that please be true.

Even though Microsoft is capable of announcing products that look finished – complete with appearances on late-night TV and star athlete endorsements – 18 months prior to their promised ship dates‚ Mary Jo is having a hard time pinning Redmond down on details.  One thing that is known:  McCann Erickson has been hired to manage the ad campaign for the PinkyPhone.  You may remember them as the firm who directed the Halo 3 campaign for the 360.  In that campaign‚ according to the firm‚ the challenge was changing the question from “how do you pull $40 million of milk from a dried-up titty how do you market a video game?” to “how do you honor a hero?”.  In Pink’s case‚ the challenge will be changing the question from “what the fuck is Microsoft thinking?” to “you guys made the Sidekick?”.

When it comes to shitty follow-ups to competitors’ successful products‚ no one walks into a punch quite like M$.  Here’s to another billion-dollar capital spigot!  Cheers!

Apple replied:

“…

That’s kinda what we meant.”

Dell‚ the company that also got Lenovo to drop “World’s Best-Engineered PCs” from its advertising‚ also complained that Apple fails to establish superiority over all other brands in terms of “recyclability, reduced packaging, less toxic materials and increased energy efficiency”.  Anyone who’s ever opened a box from Dell can attest to the company’s never-ending quest for minimalism.

In the end‚ Apple played nice with the NAD (giggity) and changed the word “family” to “lineup”.  Aren’t you glad you live in a world where advertising is policed so effectively by the market?

Mmmk.  Couple of questions for the folks at BrandIndex:

-You survey 5,000 people every day about perceived value?  The same 5,000 people?  Because your findings really wouldn’t as mean much if the exact same 5,000 people weren’t asked every day the survey was conducted.

-”Value” is one metric you track, according to your chart.  I also see Mindshare, Buzz, Impression, Quality, Reputation and Satisfaction listed as metrics.  You’re sure “value” means the same thing to all those 5,000 people (and I’m sure it is the same 5,000 that are asked about quality, right?)?  I could easily see that those surveyed would equate “value” with “cheap”, given that “value” and “quality” have overlapping definitions.  Did Apple’s “quality” perception go up and M$’s go down?

As far as I’m concerned, the worst case scenario represented by this survey is that more people regard Microsoft as less expensive as a result of the “Bargain Hunters” campaign.  As we’ve known for a while, the margins on “less expensive” are pretty shitty.

Update: I received an email from a gentleman at BrandIndex last night who explained that the “value” and “quality” metrics are polled individually and that they feel “it is better to ask our questions from independent samples”, which I take to mean they ask only one question each day of their 5,000 respondents.   Also, they are not the same 5,000 people “(b)ecause (the sample) is representative, we do not have to interview the same 5,000 people each day”.  Maybe that is the only feasible way to conduct the survey, but I would contend that getting responses from different people may just as easily reflect different existing opinions they have about the brand, not the fact that their opinion about the brand had changed.

I’ve refrained from commenting on Microsoft’s recent campaign not only because I’m lazy, but also because Redmond’s been doing a pretty good job making themselves look like assholes.  After seeing the 3rd installment of Bargain Hunters, and having cringed through the Mohave and the Seinfeld Experiments, I can offer but one theory to explain Microsoft’s approach to advertising:

Microsoft thinks consumers are fucking retarded.

Let’s take a look at all three of these clever sleight-of-hand campaigns and see if we can extract the take-away for the consumer:

The Mojave Experiment
Premise: consumers are brought in to test Microsoft’s “new” operating system and, after being cattle-penned through specific tasks, are informed that this super-spiffy, next gen OS is actually Vista.

Message: you mindless fucks are so blinded by Vista’s negative publicity, you don’t even know what you’re bashing!  See how awesome this is?  No, we won’t let you install software.  No, we won’t let you experience the upgrade from XP.  It puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again!

The Seinfeld Commercials about Nothing
Premise: Bill the lovable nerd and Jerry the adorable pedophile comedian are taken in by the average American family (presumably so they can come to understand what keeps average people from killing themselves).  Hijinks ensue, four minutes pass and Bill and Jerry walk off into the sunset, musing about the future of computing.
Message: …

The Bargain Hunters:
Premise: PCs are cheaper than Macs for at least three cherry-picked categories of computer.
Message: Apple doesn’t make a 17” laptop under $1,000, a computer with a Blu- Ray drive or sub-$2,000 computer with more than 2 GB of RAM stock. And because you’re only buying based on price, and being cool/having a functional OS means nothing to you, your next choice of computer is obvious.

Congratulations, Microsoft.  You’ve shown the average consumer that if they’re not quite smart enough to appreciate the OS they inherited with their cheap laptop, are easily distracted/mildly entertained by last decade’s comedic stylings or are not familiar at all with Apple’s offerings, they should own a PC.

The board really should consider taking your advertising budget and giving it back to the shareholders.

COO Tim Cook also made some “2nd base statements” about Apple’s interest in the netbook segment‚ going from zero interest‚ zippo‚ none to kind of bashing the segment and going after specific features that make netbooks an unattractive prospect for Apple. Tim’s basically positioning a future Apple offering in this space. Apple’s improvements over the limitations he’s bashing will be the talking points for said offering.

Consumers have shown that they will still pay for value even in difficult financial times.  Microsoft, in contrast, has been looking to capitalize on the sagging economy through an advertising campaign that equates value with first cost.   According to their advertising‚ this value is not even provided provided by Microsoft — Windows/Vista is not mentioned anywhere in the advertising except at the end.  We have yet to see how damaging this campaign was/is to Microsoft and Apple’s 2Q earnings are just the tip of the iceberg. When the economy spurs consumer spending confidence and they become more willing to part with their discretionary income, the damage done by this campaign will be more fully realized.

Microsoft business model is based on leveraging their locked-in users.  Their brand has become more and more absorbed into “generic PC” – the latest advertising says as much.  Apple has always been responsible for the total computing experience and tying its brand to that experience.  As chunks of the monstrous machine continue to fly off‚ the 2 lessons to remember are that:

1. Brand Matters.  Merge your identity with PC makers at your peril.

2. The first shot fired in a battle over price is usually by the party that will lose the war over value.

Update: according to the NY Times‚ Microsoft is reporting a 3Q net income drop of 32% YOY (from $4.4 billion to $3.0 billion) and a drop in revenue of 6% (from $14.5 to $13.7 billion).  It begins.