When Verizon announced their intent to carry the iPhone, I made a prediction about what that would mean for Android. I was pretty aggressive about what the market would look like a year after the announcement, once a substantial number of peoples’ 2-year Verizon contracts expired.

Gave RIM WAY too much credit

Back to my being right, the market share numbers for the first quarter were released and – wouldn’t you know it – the iPhone holds a 59% share. I’d say I should work for Gartner, but I think my being right about things would wreck their curve.

I Love Being Right Almost As Much As You Do originally appeared on TheMacAdvocate on April 26, 2012.

As if another nail was needed in that coffin, during yesterday’s testimony at the Oracle v. Google trial, mock-ups for the 2006 vision of the Google Phone were introduced into evidence.

Not an iPhone

Google intended to release a BlackBerry-like device that eschewed a touch interfaced in favor of soft keys. So they were planning to knock off the most popular phone at the time – until a better one was announced in 2007. So what did the first Android shartphone, the HTC Dream/T-Mobile G1, look like?

Nothing like the iPhone

Now the Dream also had a slide-out keyboard and hardware keys, but there’s the handy home screen icon layout and touch interface. Imagine that. Subsequent versions of Android are even more derivative of the iPhone. Although Creepy King Eric Schmidt says ”Most people would agree that Google is a great innovator, and I would also point out that the Android efforts started before the iPhone efforts.”, it’s pretty clear now, even more so than before, that Schmidt is a disingenuous shit. You need only watch 10 seconds of Senate subcommittee testimony to know that anything hanging out of that guy’s mouth hole is bullshit.

So Apple has an additional little something for its back pocket should it decide to ever go after Google itself. Thanks for the bullets, Mountain View. Not that Apple needs them.

For the Two People Left on Earth Who Think Google Didn’t Copy the iPhone originally appeared on TheMacAdvocate on April 26, 2012.

Probably around late summer every year going forward, iPhone sales will dip ahead of the expected new device and some Android manufacturer will find a way to capitalize, rising the entire ecosystem’s share as a result. But it will always be short-lived. The new iPhone will come along and crush it.

I also said that Verizon was the only thing keeping Android competitive in the U.S. When you looked at markets where the iPhone was on more than one carrier at the time, it was obvious.

People are over Android, and Android’s ecosystem has as much to do with this as the quality of the iPhone’s offerings. Google can’t push its latest operating systems to devices even 6 months old, their market is a malware minefield, and their manufacturers offer undifferentiated hardware and software that only differentiates itself from the next guy by the way it worsens the user experience compared to stock Android.

People are over the gimmicks like HDMI out and Beats(off) Audio. Consumers never gave a shit about “free and open”; when they were stuck on Verizon’s network, they settled for a phone that was pitched as being just like the iPhone. They no longer have to settle for “just like an iPhone.”

Between Oracle and Apple, Android is starting to look a lot like the middle segment of The Human Centipede.

MG Siegler Nails the Future of the iPhone-Android Competitive Landscape originally appeared on TheMacAdvocate on April 26, 2012.

His problem is the same as anyone who has an expectation that an Android device will be treated like an iOS device: currency. Sure, Google spits out Android updates at a respectable rate. The problem is that no one else in the “experience chain” gives a shit. Carriers and manufacturers are far more interested in getting you to buy the latest XIOR Xtreme Nebula S II Pro than keeping its existing customers current. That’s why Android isn’t current on Google’s own flagship phone. That’s why less than 5% of handsets have received Ice Cream Sandwich updates. People who still defend the “free and open” nonsense love to point out who’s at fault in the relationship instead of finding ways out of it. I’ll illustrate using a point only tangentially related.

I have the misfortune of being a commuter into New York. Because I don’t want my life to end due to a road rage-related shooting, this means I have to rely on NJ Transit to deliver me to work every day. I also have the misfortune of using NJT’s “Northeast Corridor” line, the tracks of which are actually leased by NJ Transit from Amtrak. Amtrak is responsible for all of the maintenance of the rails and the overhead power lines that power the trains, a task they don’t appear to take all that seriously. This leads to a dependency issue which frequently results in trains almost never being on time as well as several hours-long catastrophic delays every year. NJT, in all of their delay announcements, is quick to blame Amtrak for these delays. There’s a point here, I swear.

During one of these catastrophic, hours-long delays, one NJT employee had the bad luck of running into yours truly. This poor soul made a comment to someone within earshot about how badly Amtrak was screwing them. What follows is a rough transcript of the conversation after that point:

Me: It sounds like you guys are getting very comfortable blaming Amtrak for NJ Transit delays.

NJT: Because it’s their fault.

Me: To a point. I’ve been riding you guys for 2 years now and I’ve been hearing the same story. I work in a building that leases space from another party. Do you think that I can go to a client and blame my not turning a proposal in on time on the landlord inadvertently shutting off the power to my floor? Or the faulty air conditioning that brought down our servers? At some point, it’s just me and my customers. You guys appear more interested in making excuses than finding solutions. You should thank God you have a monopoly on rail service into New York and don’t have to run this thing like a business.

I don’t think this poor NJ Transit employee appreciated the customer’s perspective on providing service, but it’s a good illustration of why Apple strives to control every element of their products’ experience. At some point, blaming the carriers or blaming the manufacturers is bullshit. At least to the average consumer. When defenders like Jason Perlow fly the coop, you can bet consumers won’t be far behind.

Even Android’s Apologists are Sick of Android originally appeared on TheMacAdvocate on March 29, 2012.

Motorola Liquid X E 4G. Hilarious.

So *That’s* How They Come Up with Android Phone Names originally appeared on TheMacAdvocate on March 27, 2012.

What better way to advertise Android than with an actual droid? The resemblances between Lucas’s reboot of the Star Wars franchise and Android don’t stop there, however. To wit:

• Both bastardize popular original ideas to turn a buck with vastly inferior offerings
• Both substitute eye-catching features to cover for their lack of substance
• Both feature lead characters that have the likability of wet cardboard
• Both have successfully suckered in millions, only to have them regret the experience

Android: the Episode I of smartphones.

Verizon’s Advertising Finally Captures the Essence of Android originally appeared on TheMacAdvocate on January 23, 2012.

This is Google’s latest attempt to address the rampant fragmentation that is encouraged on a Wild West platform like Android. If the mandated inclusion of the Holo theme on all ICS handsets is a stick, this is its analogous – and equally inconsequential – carrot. But I do hear ICS comes with some sweet new wallpapers.

I'd f*ck me.

Android Design Principles. Really. originally appeared on TheMacAdvocate on January 13, 2012.

Shaw’s latest dig refers to all the scratch Microsoft is making off of Android’s OEMs through the license agreements that all of the big manufacturers have been signing:

#occupyandroid

Redmond tipped the 70% point after signing up LG for the “extended we won’t sue your ass warranty”. The only major manufacturer not paying out to Microsoft? Hint: they duped Google into overpaying for them. Motorola gets to hide under Larry’s skirt while everyone else pays their tithe. That deal just gets better and better.

It’s a shame we don’t know how much these manufacturers are ponying up for the privilege of having Microsoft do nothing for them, but for the companies making Google’s kit, it’s as free as it is open. It has to be especially tough for suckers like HTC, which just announced that their October-to-December profits fell 41%.

So shine on, Frank X Shaw, you crazy diamond. The enemy of my enemy is…well…still my enemy. But Apple is stomping your hapless corpse in PC growth and in every category of consumer electronics where you two compete, so it’s easy to laugh at your tweets.

Google Lied, Android OEM Profits Died! originally appeared on TheMacAdvocate on January 12, 2012.

Because Google sloppily decided to do the Motorola deal (driven by the full-on patent war, for which Apple and Microsoft, and not Google, are largely to blame)…

Microsoft has a nice business collecting license revenue from Android OEMs. That’s not Apple’s motivation. Apple “started” the patent war – and yes, may have escalated it, in some cases unreasonably – because Android was such a blatant rip-off of the iPhone.

Maybe it’s the use of “blame” in a sentence structure that seems to exonerate Google – I don’t know. Other than that incredibly shallow gripe, I heartily recommend it.

Why You Should Hate Android Too originally appeared on TheMacAdvocate on January 11, 2012.

When Apple introduced the iPhone 4S with the Siri personal assistant, you could almost hear the photocopiers warming up in Redmond and Mountain View. After all, when your business models are based on cloning someone else’s superior offering, a feature like Siri was never going to go uncloned. While we wait for Android’s official duplication (despite Andy Rubin’s insistance that Siri was “no big deal” when it was released), Android’s developer community of copyright and trademark destroyers ecosystem will have to step up in the meantime. Because the Android Market is moderated with the efficacy of an inner-city public school restroom, suckers who actually bought into this “Siri on Android” bong water were sure to be treated to something that may have looked a lot like Apple’s interface, but sure as hell didn’t do as much. Here’s the most egregious copy, Speerit, from a Korean developer courtesy of 9to5Mac:

"Faux Siri: what would the temperature in hell have to be for people to think this came from Apple?"

Note the liberal use of the Siri icon complete with text bubbles. The other current entrant, the understated “Siri for Android”, rips off a whole bunch of iconography, complete with ads because we are talking about Android here:

"I've found 7 ways for you to shamelessly rip off Apple's IP..."

Is it really that surprising that the earliest knock-offs of Apple’s Siri IP would come from the country Samsung calls home? I submit that it is not.

Android’s Siri Apps Define the Word “Microcosm” originally appeared on TheMacAdvocate on January 3, 2012.