If I were an investor in Microsoft, I’d really, really want to know how they’re going to track the financial performance of these things.  Bury them in the “Entertainment and Devices Division”?  These stores – which sell nothing that you couldn’t get cheaper online and offer you no level of service beyond telling you that your PC-maker screwed you over – will fail.  And quickly.

What?  No seriously: what?

Here’s a nickel’s worth of free advice for Redmond: To have a retail presence, it’s a good idea to have something to sell. The only consumer product that would be considered “worth a shit” – by virtue of the non-Microsoft developers they’ve been able to attract – is stuffing the channel at any local Gamespot.  What were you planning: box displays of Windows 7, and Bargain Hunters ads running loops on Zune HDs?

GUI operating system?  No problem.  Music player?  No problem.  Gaming platform?  No problem.

Retail presence?  No problem.  I can see how ripping off and faithlessly reproducing good products could be seen as a viable strategy for a company with more money than god and fewer good ideas than Michael Bay, but do you really not get why this is a bad idea?

Now I’m all for M$ continuing to rip gaping holes in the profitability of its Office and Windows monopolies, but you can’t seriously think you’re doing your brand any good by increasing your exposure to consumers.  And intimiating in your release that you might somehow, in some way be squaring off against one of the most sucessful retail presences in the history of selling shit?

To quote any shareholder stupid enough to stick around after one quarter of this retardery: “The horror…the horror.”

Bonus factoid: M$’s quest for retail is led by David Porter.  According to the press release, Porter joined DreamWorks Animation in 2007 before spending 25 years at Wal-Mart Stores.  So basically, David has experience with both derivative offerings *cough*Pixar*cough* and monopolies.  He should fit right in.

The discerning eyes that make up the Georgetown architectural preservation board finally relented and approved the design submitted by lowly‚ strip mall developer Apple‚ Inc. for a store on Wisconsin Avenue.  Did I mention that this was the fifth submission?  Did I mention that the first and fourth submissions were virtually identical to the fifth?

After the fourth submission‚ Neil O. Albert, deputy mayor for planning and economic development, said in a statement “The community and the Fenty administration are very supportive of this retailer opening its Georgetown store. I’ll move quickly to convene separate meetings with the Old Georgetown Board and Apple representatives to reach a consensus design.”  Albert’s statement did not mention whether his rectum preferred the supple rounded edges of Rob Johnson’s Oxfords or the more pronounced articulation of his Wingtips.

A tip of the cap to the folks over at Apple and their design team.  If it were me‚ I’d have packed up my easels after submission 3.   Are we in a boom market now or something?  Why don’t we let your shitty vacant building sit for a decade or two?  Y’all in City Government can have some time to decide if your articulated window bays were more important than the millions in economic impact generated annually by the average Apple Store.  Fucktards.

Guess that’s why I’m not in retail.  Or marketing.  Or generally work with people.