Apr 122011
 

Gartner is one of the most recognizable names in IT research. TMA doesn’t concern himself with most of what they do, because all consultants are useless people you pay to tell you what time it is by having them look at your watch.  If their smartphone market predictions are any indication, you’d be better off throwing a dart at a board. Seriously: it’s like their firm is populated by Scott Moritz clones.

Anyway, Gartner’s most recent forecasts for Apple’s iOS devices are a lot like their past predictions. Let’s take a look:

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Apr 072011
 

The first quarter of 2011 has come and gone and surprise: no PlayBook. Some people speculate that the success of the iPad 2 is causing RIM to balk, but this is stupid. Half the people that want the new iPad haven’t been able to get one, and you’re going to wait until the market is even more flooded with them before you release your competing product? Not likely, but that’s the kind of dreck you see posited by the tech press nowadays.

The real reason is Flash. The bugaboo in the saddle of every consumer electronics maker since the release of the iPhone is shitting on yet another launch. It seems every iPad-knockoff or shartphone™ is preceded by prancing CEO’s crowing on stage about “the full Internet”. Too bad there has yet to be a full release of Flash included with any of them.

“We’re not trying to dumb down the internet for a small mobile device,” says Mike Lazaridis, RIM’s CEO, during the PlayBook demonstration. “What we’re trying to do is bring up the performance and capability of the mobile device to the internet.”

I don’t think Lazaridis’ product is going to perform any better, so he better hope Adobe gets its shit together between now and when the next 2 and a half million iPad 2’s make it into peoples’ hands, or the PlayBook launch is going to make the Xoom look like the iPad 2.

Mar 252011
 

That backfiring car you heard last night was probably RIM’s earnings announcement. Turns out they were a little disappointing. After failing to meet any of the market’s expectations for their most recent quarter, the company followed up by painting a less-than-optimistic future for their next quarter, resulting in the 10% nosedive of the stock’s price that it’s currently enjoying.

According to some analyst clucking, one bright spot on RIM’s near-term horizon is the PlayBook, a 7” “professional-grade” tablet that RIM will be launching next month. Eager to hear a motivational speech from RIM’s co-CEO Jim Balsillie about the virtues of the BlackBerry tablet, they were instead treated to some incoherent rambling reminiscent of Tweedle Dumb’s appearance at the D: Dive into Mobile conference. Now if RIM were based out of Quebec and not Ontario, the way their executives speak might have some “language barrier” element to it. But after reading the transcript of RIM’s earnings call, TMA is going with a new theory: lead in the drinking water. Continue reading

Dec 092010
 

In a bizarre turn of events, an apparently intoxicated man crashed the stage of the D: Dive into Mobile conference (aside: possibly worst conference name ever) claiming to be RIM co-CEO Mike Lazaridis. Walt Mossberg and Kara Swisher, who attempted to humor the man until the authorities arrived, staged a mock interview, during which he incoherently fielded questions about the future of the Blackberry platform while poking furiously at what he claimed to be RIM’s future iPad competitor, the PlayBook.

UPDATE: apparently the person speaking at the conference was Mike Lazaridis. Woo boy. Tip to Mike: when Walt Mossberg prefaces a follow-up question with “I’m a little confused”, that’s equivalent to hearing the music start during your Academy Awards acceptance speech. You really need to consider getting the fuck off the stage. Engadget and AllThingsD have the blow-by-blow unfolding of Mike’s personal train wreck.

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