Oct 042011
 

I think the dissection of everything Apple prior to their product announcements has finally bitten them a little. Leading up to today’s announcement, people (present company included) got wrapped up in case designs, mock-ups and, most egregiously, extrapolations of the iPhone 4’s current feature set – and we projected these fantasies onto a phantom device that became known as the iPhone 5.

In addition to all this iPhone cosplay, a second device emerged: the “iPhone 4S”. It was hypothesized that the 4S would attack the low-end market, would share some traits of current iPhone 4, but would also be “enhanced” – something I dismissed as ridiculous. The 4S was viewed as sort of like the 3GS – a phone that in retrospect got a bad rap – mostly because it looked the same. Even though it was markedly faster and had a better camera than the 3G, because it didn’t look different, it didn’t represent a significant improvement over the iPhone 3G.

Now that the announcement is over, we know that the 4S is it. There is no iPhone 5. But why am I getting such a whiff of disappointment? Let’s think about what the iPhone 4S turned out to be from a hardware perspective:

  • A5 processor
  • 8MP camera
  • Intelligent switching antennae
  • Siri intelligent personal assistant

Now what isn’t it?

  • A wider, (maybe) higher-ppi screen
  • A new case design

So what was the iPhone 5, really? It was an over-piling of the least plausible, least corroborated rumors about the 4S piled onto some mythical device. So why all the hate (AAPL is down 3.75% as of 3:00 EST)? Because we bought into 2 things: a device called the 4S that would be a “bargain device” – a fucking ridiculous premise to begin with – and the fact that Apple “had” to do something radical over and above it – whatever that something radical was. What we got was a cheaper iPhone 4 to chip at the low-end market (which I, and a lot of other people, called) and almost all of the predicted device improvements included in the new 4S (and at least one no one called – the smart antennae).

I expect the hate to flow into the comment sections of Gizmodo and Engadget articles on the 4S like the Dark Side through Anakin. I may have spent some time in the fantasyland of the iPhone 5 as well, but I have no one but my irrational self to blame for it.

Oct 042011
 

Man do I love when the tech press falls into the categories of stupid I’ve laid out for them. Remember the interrogative headline –the one I told you to avoid clicking through at all costs? Well, BGR, one of the most-read tech blogs on the Internet, has posted a doozy: Sprint scores iPhone 5 exclusive thanks to $20 billion deal with Apple? Oh, the humanity.

Let me just lay it out right now: there is no way, in 100 million fucking years, that Apple would partner exclusively with anyone–let alone the also-ran carrier of choice. Period. This makes zero sense on every possible level.  I refuse to even outline the obviousness of why this makes no sense, as I neither want to expedite the onset of carpal tunnel nor risk an aneurysm. Putting a question mark at the end of your link-baiting headline only alerts everyone unfortunate enough to have landed on your site of what you’re up to. This is possibly one of the most transparent, ridiculous pageview grabs in the history of Apple reporting and I seriously hope this comes back to bite BGR directly on the asscheeks–hard.

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