Apr 242012

If you’re Apple, how do you follow up the most successful quarter in corporate history? With the second-best quarter, obviously. Cupertino announced its 2nd quarter earnings this evening and it’s safe to say the company is continuing to kick & take, beating analysts’ consensus estimates for earnings by over $2 billion. This coming in a non-holiday quarter that had one less week than Q1. Let’s roll the quant pr0n:

39-11-47? Hubba hubba...

Other miscellaneous factoids of interest:

  • Apple’s total cash on hand is now $110.2 billion, or almost enough to overpay for Motorola 10 times
  • Apple just closed its 24th quarter of beating PC market growth – that’s 6 years
  • Apple’s retail stores averaged $12.2 million per location, a 23% YoY increase
  • The percentage of Apple’s revenue that came from international sales increased from 58% in Q1 to 64%
  • iTunes store revenue was up 35% from the prior year, ringing up $1.9 billion in sales.
  • There are now over 365 million iOS devices in the wild, enough for every person in the United States with enough left over for everyone in Argentina

Looks like all those honest-to-god evil Apple product boycotts didn’t quite materialize. Oh well. Rest assured, with this kind of star power, there will be something next quarter, and the quarter after that. How else is Gizmodo going to maintain a readership? For all you haters, Triple H has a message for you:

Courtesy of ilovewrestlinggifs.tumblr.com

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Apr 122012

Google just announced its first quarter’s earnings and things look pretty rosy – from a certain perspective. If you look at their Q1 from 2011, the 24% growth is impressive. If you look at their performance compared to the prior quarter, it’s a very pedestrian 1%. Details of the announcement from TechCrunch here.

Apple announces their Q2 earnings April 24.

Jan 242012

It gets hard to talk about how insanely profitable Apple is – every quarter. Aside from running the risk of disappointing retarded analysts, as was the case last quarter when they nonsensically decided to go shithouse the quarter before a new iPhone was released, there’s this feeling that it can’t possibly last. That feeling was exacerbated this morning, as the Street started pushing estimates up hours before the earnings call.

Apple’s response to the hype made all of their prior performances look like dainty appetizers. I’ll try to put it in context with a couple of comparisons.

This quarter, Apple had:

  • Profit equal to its revenue 5 quarters ago and $3 billion dollars more than Google’s revenue from last quarter.
  • Twice Microsoft’s revenue and net income.
  • The 4th largest reported profit of any company – ever – and the only non-petroleum company in the top 20 all-time.

Macworld has some pretty jaw-dropping graphs that detail the carnage.

While knock-off iPhone expectoraters like Samsung keep poking fun at Apple with their shitty advertising, there is a kernel of truth to them. People form lines for Apple’s kit – 37 million iPhones and 15.5 million iPads this past quarter alone. Samsung sees no lines, and now they can’t even claim a unit sales advantage – even though they vomit a bazillion phones every quarter. Can’t wait to see your earnings this quarter, guys. I have a feeling you’ll be “HTC’d”.

Oct 182011

So get this: Apple has beaten Wall Street estimates for earnings 14 quarters in a row. That’s over 3 years, which is insane. How did analysts manage to pull this “why do you keep hitting yourself?” routine for so long? Aside from hilariously underestimating the popularity of Apple’s offerings, they also pretty much ignored Apple’s product cycles, most notably for the iPhone and iPad. Question for all you high-paid Street analysts: what is going to happen to iPhone sales the last quarter before the introduction of a new model?

I’ll give you guys a minute…

They’re going to go down relative to the prior quarter, especially when that quarter is enjoying a bump from the introduction of a new carrier. Makes sense, right?

So why the freak-out when Apple missed the Street’s estimates of $7.22 per share (by $.17) and revenue of $29.5 billion (by $1.25 billion)? Because analysts picked this quarter to froth their loins over Apple with absolutely no good reason. After the catastrophic passing of Apple’s CEO (the Street’s sentiment up until the day it happened) and mere days before the release of the newest version of their flagship device, this is the quarter they choose to ignore Apple’s guidance and blow out their estimates?


Sep 222011

Have you ever wanted to offer ridiculous guesses about the outcome of an event with no accountability for failure?

Have you ever wanted to write about the market for cool electronic gadgets like tablets such as the iPad and…the iPad?

Well now you can! Introducing TMA’s Analysis 1-2-3™! TMA will show you how to pull predictions from your ass and make thousands selling your sage wisdom to corporations everywhere! Here’s a snippet of what TMA’s Analysis 1-2-3™ course will teach you!

See? It’s easy as Guess, Revise, Profit! If you act now, we’ll give you a list of 99 linkbait headlines straight from the mind of Dan Lyons at no extra charge! Don’t delay – call 1-800-LOLGUESS now!  The opportunity for untold wealth and/or pageviews is just a phone call away!

Apr 202011

So TMA was heading into this afternoon’s Apple earnings call with a little bit of – ¿cómo se dice? – swagger?  How did the predictions stack up against the experts?

-Actuals courtesy of Apple’s investor page (I’m noticing some small discrepencies between it and the numbers presented on the call)

-“Consensus” averages courtesy of the good men and women at the Fortune Apple 2.0 blog


Not bad, eh? Probably should have deduced the iPod numbers, but then again, no one else did. The biggest eye-popper, however, is the iPad column – what the hell is happening there? Even the partially-evolved “professionals” couldn’t lowball it enough. Apple’s supply chain’s got some ‘splainin’ to do!

In closing, TMA presents an open letter to the firms currently making up the “professional” consensus:

Dear J.P. Morgan, Oppenheimer, Deutche Bank, Piper Jeffray, Morgan Stanley, Citigroup, et. al:

If you are interested in the services of an independent analyst who doesn’t make your firms look like a bunch of complete tools when making predictions about the financial performance of Apple, Inc., I will be entertaining offers, starting at $750,000 annually (plus benefits). I can guarantee you that I will embarrass you no less than the people passing for analysts at your firms do now.

As they say on eBay, bid with confidence!



Apr 192011

One of TMA’s favorite posts involves swooping in after Apple has kicked the crap out of analysts’ estimates for earnings and pointing out how little financial firms know about the company. There’s also usually a shot about their performance being symptomatic of the country’s financial collapse as well as some vague ponzi scheme references. Good times.

But it’s also kind of unfair, right? I mean – shouldn’t I be exposed to some of the scrutiny I inflict upon others? That’s debatable, but because I’m resistant to most forms of shaming, I’m going to give this prediction thing a shot. Based on the metrics listed in Fortune’s Apple 2.0 poll categories, TMA humbly submits his predictions for Apple’s performance:

So TMA responds to the weary analysts’ cry of “Fill yer hands!”. The “TMA” row on Fortune’s Q3 prediction spreadsheet is all but assured.

Mar 252011

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That backfiring car you heard last night was probably RIM’s earnings announcement. Turns out they were a little disappointing. After failing to meet any of the market’s expectations for their most recent quarter, the company followed up by painting a less-than-optimistic future for their next quarter, resulting in the 10% nosedive of the stock’s price that it’s currently enjoying.

According to some analyst clucking, one bright spot on RIM’s near-term horizon is the PlayBook, a 7” “professional-grade” tablet that RIM will be launching next month. Eager to hear a motivational speech from RIM’s co-CEO Jim Balsillie about the virtues of the BlackBerry tablet, they were instead treated to some incoherent rambling reminiscent of Tweedle Dumb’s appearance at the D: Dive into Mobile conference. Now if RIM were based out of Quebec and not Ontario, the way their executives speak might have some “language barrier” element to it. But after reading the transcript of RIM’s earnings call, TMA is going with a new theory: lead in the drinking water. Continue reading »

Jan 192011

As mundane as it’s becoming, I feel obligated to report on Apple’s earnings call last night, where they revealed yet another groundbreaking quarter. Holiday sales were huge, driving profits to a record high.

More details from Macworld’s consistently great reporting and something that has become a personal favorite of mine: Philip Elmer DeWitt’s report card detailing how horribly the Streets’ analysts performed versus people who actually know Apple as a company.

Oct 182010

That explosion you heard at approximately 2:04 PM Pacific was Cupertino dropping an absolute bomb on analysts’ estimates for Apple’s 4th quarter financials. Some tasty bits:

  • Fourteen. Million. iPhones. That’s an increase of over 60% from the 2nd most successful quarter (8.7M in Q1 ’10) and beating out RIM’s 12.1 M units.
  • Revenue clobbered Apple’s previous record by almost $5 billion as the company recorded its first $20B quarter.
  • Mac unit sales were over 400,000 more than the previous record quarter, growing 27% YOY.

Put simply, the only number that didn’t set a record this quarter was the number of iPods sold, which should surprise exactly no one, yet will likely be the fixation of freetards and stock manipulators.

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